**if you found this page because you Googled "Mormon porn" stop reading now, you will be highly disappointed. Might I also suggest that you rethink your genre and taste in literature**
- no dating until after age 16 (because dating leads to pregnancy)
- no "pairing off" (dating 1:1) until after your mission (if your a guy) or graduated from high school (if you're a girl)...(because "pairing off" leads to pregnancy)
- no laying down next to each other (because laying down leads to pregnancy)
- no French kissing or passionate kissing (because kissing leads to pregnancy)
- no R rated movies (because they lead naughty thoughts that lead to pregnancy)
- no dry humping (becuase while this doesn't lead to pregnancy, it leads to activities that lead to pregnancy)
- no anything that may lead to any sort of feeling of desire or lust (because...you know where that leads...to a porn addiction)
Of course the same rules apply (except for the "pairing off" bit) when you're my age. The church is just as concerned about their beautiful spinster daughters of God having their cupcakes licked as they are about their young women's (more about cupcakes here). We have to keep all cupcakes lick free until they are legally and lawfully wed...then it's baby making time and most rules go away (R movies are forever banned and I'm pretty sure we're suppose to steer clear of lust for time and all eternity).
So you can imagine how grossly unprepared I was last week when the guy I've been dating (shhhhh, don't ask questions or we'll jinx it) had me drive him to the sperm bank so he could make a "deposit". Yep, that's the official term, deposit. A day prior he had been diagnosed with testicular cancer...the cancer of choice if you have a testicle and have to get cancer...and in case you didn't know, junkular cancer can leave a man infertile. So as a precautionary measure he was advised to "bank" his swimmers so he could spread his seed and fulfill the ultimate commandment to procreate and fill the world with children...ok, so the doctor didn't say it exactly like that, but had the doctor been giving a talk in church he would have couched it that way. Because J was in a lot of pain he was hopped up on Percocet and unable to drive...so I loaded him in the car and went off in search of the nondescript building that housed the Reproductive Technology clinic.
I don't know how many of you have had the opportunity to visit a reproductive technology clinic or make a "deposit", but from what I know they don't start the event off with a prayer and there aren't scriptures in the donation room to read. So I decided to state the obvious,
"I hope they at least have some good porn for you to watch"
"Yeah...none of that low end garbage. Quality, you deserve some quality porn. This is for posterity. Kind of like journaling...but not..."
Now I have no idea what the difference is between low end and high end porn. But I'd like to think the plots are richer and the characters have more depth. Either way, I figured he was in for a porn freebie...because surely the powers that be understand that when one is in a clinic, under pressure to perform like their future children's lives depended on it, porn just might be the only thing that gets the job done. After all, all "deposits" in a sperm bank have to be given sans lube, spit, water, or anything that could potentially make the job easier or more pleasurable. As far as I could see a porn freebie was the only semi-positive aspect of this entire experience.
So I sat in the waiting room, surrounded by couples struggling with infertility and waited while J fought for his future. Fifteen minutes in I received a text,
"This is so awkward."
I wasn't sure if he was solely referring to himself, locked in some porn filled room in another part of the clinic, or about us...being at the clinic in the first place.
"Relax," I replied...mostly for him, but partly for myself, "think about..."...I paused, what on earth could I, a good Mormon girl, tell him to think about? The Relief Society president? Holding hands? Non French kissing? Rice Krispie Treats? Sigh...good Mormon girls are not suppose to know what to say at a time like this.
Lucky for him I'm not a good Mormon girl. So I fired back something super crass and in time he reemerged, triumphant in his endeavor. Not knowing the proper protocol I gave him a high five and asked how it went.
"Was it hard?" I asked, quickly realizing the error of my question...
"Was the porn guuuuuuuude?"...making it worse...
"Ummmm, want to go to Costco?"
Costco won. So we went. Where I bought him a berry sundae...because if anything makes a date Mormon it's a sugary treat.
(oh, and Cheryl, if you read this will you email me at: pcchanso@msn(dot)com)