Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Single Mormon Dating: The Sperm Bank

**if you found this page because you Googled "Mormon porn" stop reading now, you will be highly disappointed.  Might I also suggest that you rethink your genre and taste in literature**
Mormons have pretty strict dating rules:
  • no dating until after age 16 (because dating leads to pregnancy)
  • no "pairing off" (dating 1:1) until after your mission (if your a guy) or graduated from high school (if you're a girl)...(because "pairing off" leads to pregnancy)
  • no laying down next to each other (because laying down leads to pregnancy)
  • no French kissing or passionate kissing (because kissing leads to pregnancy)
  • no R rated movies (because they lead naughty thoughts that lead to pregnancy)
  • no dry humping (becuase while this doesn't lead to pregnancy, it leads to activities that lead to pregnancy)
  • no anything that may lead to any sort of feeling of desire or lust (because...you know where that leads...to a porn addiction)
The typical Mormon date generally involve large groups of awkward teenagers/young adults bowling or playing human foosball, flirting like horny Amish kids, and eating rice krispie treats.  It's as wholesome as sexual awkwardness can get.

Of course the same rules apply (except for the "pairing off" bit) when you're my age.  The church is just as concerned about their beautiful spinster daughters of God having their cupcakes licked as they are about their young women's (more about cupcakes here).  We have to keep all cupcakes lick free until they are legally and lawfully wed...then it's baby making time and most rules go away (R movies are forever banned and I'm pretty sure we're suppose to steer clear of lust for time and all eternity).

So you can imagine how grossly unprepared I was last week when the guy I've been dating (shhhhh, don't ask questions or we'll jinx it) had me drive him to the sperm bank so he could make a "deposit".  Yep, that's the official term, deposit.  A day prior he had been diagnosed with testicular cancer...the cancer of choice if you have a testicle and have to get cancer...and in case you didn't know, junkular cancer can leave a man infertile.  So as a precautionary measure he was advised to "bank" his swimmers so he could spread his seed and fulfill the ultimate commandment to procreate and fill the world with children...ok, so the doctor didn't say it exactly like that, but had the doctor been giving a talk in church he would have couched it that way.  Because J was in a lot of pain he was hopped up on Percocet and unable to drive...so I loaded him in the car and went off in search of the nondescript building that housed the Reproductive Technology clinic.

I don't know how many of you have had the opportunity to visit a reproductive technology clinic or make a "deposit", but from what I know they don't start the event off with a prayer and there aren't scriptures in the donation room to read.  So I decided to state the obvious,

"I hope they at least have some good porn for you to watch"

"Good porn?"

"Yeah...none of that low end garbage.  Quality, you deserve some quality porn.  This is for posterity.  Kind of like journaling...but not..."

Now I have no idea what the difference is between low end and high end porn.  But I'd like to think the plots are richer and the characters have more depth.  Either way, I figured he was in for a porn freebie...because surely the powers that be understand that when one is in a clinic, under pressure to perform like their future children's lives depended on it, porn just might be the only thing that gets the job done.  After all, all "deposits" in a sperm bank have to be given sans lube, spit, water, or anything that could potentially make the job easier or more pleasurable.  As far as I could see a porn freebie was the only semi-positive aspect of this entire experience.

So I sat in the waiting room, surrounded by couples struggling with infertility and waited while J fought for his future.  Fifteen minutes in I received a text,

"This is so awkward."

I wasn't sure if he was solely referring to himself, locked in some porn filled room in another part of the clinic, or about us...being at the clinic in the first place.

"Relax," I replied...mostly for him, but partly for myself, "think about..."...I paused, what on earth could I, a good Mormon girl, tell him to think about?  The Relief Society president?  Holding hands?  Non French kissing?  Rice Krispie Treats?  Sigh...good Mormon girls are not suppose to know what to say at a time like this.

Lucky for him I'm not a good Mormon girl.  So I fired back something super crass and in time he reemerged, triumphant in his endeavor.  Not knowing the proper protocol I gave him a high five and asked how it went.

"Was it hard?" I asked, quickly realizing the error of my question...

"Was the porn guuuuuuuude?"...making it worse...

"Ummmm, want to go to Costco?" 

Costco won.  So we went.  Where I bought him a berry sundae...because if anything makes a date Mormon it's a sugary treat.

(oh, and Cheryl, if you read this will you email me at:  pcchanso@msn(dot)com)


Anonymous said...

Fun story. Written with a flair..

Anonymous said...

Love you!!! Love the honesty here! ~Nancy

Kate Boyle said...

Oh, Carrie. How I flove you!

Stacie said...

You make me laugh...this stuff can not be made up!

Anonymous said...

So glad you're back!!! How'd that MoFo paper go? You always make my husband & I laugh. You shoud be given a column in the Ensign... I'd renew my subscription just for that.
Please do a piece on what it entails to be a true 'wholesome bitch'!!!

Cheryl said...

are you talking to me CHERYL - the male gaze/wheat and tares hook-up cheryl??

i check here periodically and am always bummed when you've been too busy to entertain me but alas, checking today was SCORE!! sorry about your guy but so glad that you're there for him. you're who i'd call for the broad shoulder lean-on, too! best wishes, XOX

Carrie Hanson said...

Yep, you Cheryl...email me.

Reuben Collins said...

"characters have more depth."

LOL. I love puns.

Carrie Hanson said...

Reuben! I'm glad at least one person caught on :D

Male Gaze said...

Seriously, this is GOLDEN! What good Mormon girl doesn't want to accompany her good Mormon boy to the Sperm Bank! What a great opportunity to open the can o' shame!

All I can say is that we deserve some quality porn in there...and someone to help us out. Let me lay it on the line here...you go the Sperm Bank because you have TC...which news you likely just got...and you're probably in pain with a gigantic testicle...and you might die...and if you don't you're for sure losing half your manhood in a few days. Cranking out a "deposit" under those conditions takes an act of God!

Cheryl said...

Carrie - i did send you an e-mail early fri afternoon but am still in suspense re: a response. :)

MG - how happy is my heart to see you responding here! (big smile and cqtm as i read your comment.) so glad you and carrie are still connected. both of y'all are in my thoughts and prayers for best wishes.

and i have prayers/best wishes for carrie's new guy, too. f**k cancer! (i've had too many friends deal with it including my hubby's dad dying from it when he was only 7 leaving his momma widowed w/4 little boys fatherless - the oldest 11 and the youngest 6 weeks old.)

Carrie said...


I emailed you on Friday from my real email account...but I messed up your email address...so I just reemailed you. Hope you get it!

Carrie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KarKar said...

I hope this all leads to cupcake licking!!!

Love you like a love song... Get well J!!!


The Man of Steele said...

You forgot one: two pair of earrings also leads to pregnancy.