Monday, September 10, 2012

Justification is Like Masturbation...

September 11th is my sister's birthday.  What does one give a sister who...

rocks a banjo...
and guitar hero.
Who has a head full of heavy metal...
and jumps out of planes.
The one who throws kick ass white-trash parties...
and takes her brother to her 30th birthday prom.
The sister who gives molester hugs.
Yes, what does one give that kind of sister?
Well, if you're poor and lame like me, you give her a blog post (go ahead, give me a slow clap, I deserve it).

But not any blog post.  A blog post full of spiritual/church related things...because that is what this blog is about.

Now, before I can fully dive into the nitty-gritty let met tell you a bit about my sister and I.  My first memory ever was the day Lori was born.  I cried and screamed and begged my mom not to leave me...I'm sure somewhere deep I knew life would never be the same after that day.  Several days later my mom returned with a scowling little bundle who hated me as much as I hated her.  The first 16 years were rough and by rough I mean (this is the part where I confess something I've been carrying around for 31 years)...

Lori:  I peed in the bath water EVERY TIME I knew you would be getting in the tub after me.  It wasn't an act of love, it was spite, pure spite.  It was mean and wrong and completely unsanitary.  I suck, but you survived and that's what really matters right? 

Yes, I deserved it every time you tried to run my slow fat ass down with your blessed sweet pea bike.  I forgive you...now, will you forgive me???
Whew, it feels good to have that hum-dinger of a secret out of the way.  Repentance folks, it really is what should be for dinner.

Ok, back to you sweet sister.

What I really want to talk about is the message Lori brought back from her mission.

Now, envision with me, if you will, the Hanson's all gathered together at the airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of Sister Hanson (yep, Loooooori served a mission...all of the Hanson kids served missions.  Of course it was before they set those super tight rules about who could go and stuff...chances are we wouldn't have made the cut but this was back in the day when they let anyone serve a mission).  Anyway....we have the posters.  We have the balloons.  We have our cameras ready.  Then out steps my sister, with her amazing blonde curly hair, carrying a dulcimer and a case plastered with "Got Jesus?" and "The Rapture Rocks" stickers all over it.

Bam!  That's how the Hanson's spread the word.

See, Lori served in the south.  Arkansas south.  She left a semi-crazy north westerner, but returned a hill-billy/bluegrass/moonshine loving proclaimer of Jesus' good word.  I had no idea one could mix LDS doctrine/culture with all of that bible belt crazy...but she did, and she was fantastic at it.

She taught all sorts of amazing folks, and had all sorts of amazing experiences, and returned with juicy little niblets of wisdom.  My all time favorite being:

"Justification is like masturbation,  you're only screwing yourself."

Good one dear sister, good one.  I think we'd all be a little bit happier and a little bit wiser if we justified less and masturbated more...NO I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT....I was just checking to see if anyone ever actually reads this far....back to the point...

Lori, you are the bestest sister a sister could ever ask for.  Sure, it took me 18 years to figure that out, but I came around, eventually.  Thank goodness families are forever, because I want you, and your insightful sayings, around time AND all eternity.

Love jew!  Hope your birthday is fan-frikin-tastic.

Amen.

3 comments:

KarKar said...

Freaking awesome Kitty Kat!! I loved this!! Lori sounds just about as amazing, inspiring and hilarious as YOU!!

We should all jam.. she can have her banjo, you do piano and I'll like clap or whistle or something!!

Love you so much!! Lori better rock on to this POST!!

Happy Birthday LORI!!

KarKar

Bjorge Queen said...

Can she tell me where she got that green shirt? (I read a Mormon Psychologist Blog last night about justifying masturbation.)

Carrie said...

Those pictures were taken 3 years ago..so I have no idea where she got that shirt. But I think that was back in her Ross/TJ Maxx days.