I just returned from my annual trek out west ("west" = SL,UT & Ida-ho). I love the west. It's where the mountains are, and my family, and 96% of my friends. I also can't stand the West. It's the land of bizarre liquor laws, suffocating unspoken social rules, and gussied up blondes vying for a parking spot for their minivan at the Chick-Fil-A parking lot. I've attempted to live there multiple times since I entered adulthood, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I simply can't do it. So I visit once a year and call it good.
This year's vay-cay agenda included visiting lots and lots of babies, hiking, drinking a gallon of fry sauce*, and working on staying differentiated. Yes, the last item was concocted by my therapist. What was not on the agenda but became a highlight was the Maple Bacon Doughnut
First, the maple bacon doughnut can be purchased here: Beyond Glaze
Second, in between the "Be Ye Therefore Perfect" billboards showing a smoking hot pair of perky boobs and a number to one of the 1,000's of cosmetic/plastic surgeons in Utah are these:
So much craziness I don't even know where to start.
So I'll start here:
That's why we scorn all things alcohol and highly caffeinated and have no problem looking at you like this...
So isn't it interesting that an entire church can pay so much attention to the first half of the WoW but totally and completely disregard the second half? If you've ever been to a Mormon function you know they are well fed events AND you also know they are total carb orgies. And we actually pray before we dive in and pleasure ourselves with sugary goodness. Confession: I am 100% guilty of asking God to bless the treats with these exact words...
So couple a state full of carb-o-whores and plastic surgery and BAM, you have birthed one helluva mess/goldmine.
In full disclosure I will admit that 1. I'm a carb-o-whore and 2. I totally have a "lift the tit" fund for future use. So I am just as bad as those I'm about to bash. But come on! We have got to wake up and realize that we (the Mo-mos) love fulfilling carnal/fleshy/mortal desires just as much as the rest of the world. Only we don't do it with fancy glasses (which I love) full of liquid. No, we aren't that classy. We use paper towels taken from the Stake Center's* bathroom to hold our fists full of brownies and rice krispie treats and cookies and then wash it down with a paper cup full of frothy frape. Get it Mormon friends? According to the WoW, WE. SIN. TOO.
I said it.
I admit it.
I own it.
I recognize it.
Then, evidently, in an attempt to curtail the fallout from quenching ones carnal cravings we have to slice and dice ourselves up so we can maintain our perfect selves.
Insanity. Utter insanity.
Remember: I'm a carb-o-whore AND I have a "lift the tit" fund. So I'm just as insane as the rest of them. Obviously, you can take the girl out of the Zion Curtain, but you can't always take the Zion Curtain out of the girl.
My road to hell is glazed with maple bacon doughnuts...but here's hoping that my boobs look amazing as I walk it.