Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Zion Curtain: What a Vay-Cay

I just returned from my annual trek out west ("west" = SL,UT & Ida-ho).  I love the west.  It's where the mountains are, and my family, and 96% of my friends.  I also can't stand the West.  It's the land of bizarre liquor laws, suffocating unspoken social rules, and gussied up blondes vying for a parking spot for their minivan at the Chick-Fil-A parking lot.  I've attempted to live there multiple times since I entered adulthood, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I simply can't do it.  So I visit once a year and call it good.

This year's vay-cay agenda included visiting lots and lots of babies, hiking, drinking a gallon of fry sauce*, and working on staying differentiated.  Yes, the last item was concocted by my therapist.  What was not on the agenda but became a highlight was the Maple Bacon Doughnut
and a lengthy internal dialogue about the dichotomy of being in a state that 1.  eats maple bacon doughnuts and 2.  is OBSESSED with plastic surgery.

First, the maple bacon doughnut can be purchased here:  Beyond Glaze

Second, in between the "Be Ye Therefore Perfect" billboards showing a smoking hot pair of perky boobs and a number to one of the 1,000's of cosmetic/plastic surgeons in Utah are these:
I guess there is so much cosmetic/plastic surgery going on that people aren't even paying attention to who is cutting them open and filling them with saline or silicone or silly putty or whatever it is cosmetic surgeons use to fill things people want filled.

So much craziness I don't even know where to start.

So I'll start here:
Mormons live by a code of health called The Word of Wisdom, or WoW for those in the know.  Yes, yes, yes, I realize WoW also stands for World of Warcraft...but don't go confusing the two because I'm pretty sure  WoW (the game) falls in the same Satan controlled category of games as the Ouiji board, Dungeons and Dragons, and face cards (you know who you are sinners...Jesus called, he wants your souls back...so put down the games and come back to the fold).  Anyway, the WoW is the reason why Mormons don't drink alcohol, or coffee, or tea (or smoke or do drugs).  It also talks about eating healthy foods and meat "sparingly".  The first half of the code is pounded into each and every member of the church, but interestingly enough the second half tends to be ignored.

That's why we scorn all things alcohol and highly caffeinated and have no problem looking at you like this...
when you walk into the office with your liquid sin in the Starbucks mug.   It's also why we feel justified in praying for your soul every time you pick up that liquid ticket to hell in your fancy wine glass. (note the WoW just lists things that one should avoid to stay healthy...it doesn't say "judge the hell out of someone who exercises their power of choice to make their own decisions that you may not agree with"...that part we just added on our own, because that's what strict religious cultures to...add things to doctrine that wasn't there originally and judge, judge, judge).

So isn't it interesting that an entire church can pay so much attention to the first half of the WoW but totally and completely disregard the second half?  If you've ever been to a Mormon function you know they are well fed events AND you also know they are total carb orgies.  And we actually pray before we dive in and pleasure ourselves with sugary goodness.  Confession:  I am 100% guilty of asking God to bless the treats with these exact words...
Ahhhh, the joy of hypocrisy...and the maple bacon doughnut (seriously, a sin I would gladly eat a dozen of).

So couple a state full of carb-o-whores and plastic surgery and BAM, you have birthed one helluva mess/goldmine.

In full disclosure I will admit that 1.  I'm a carb-o-whore and 2.  I totally have a "lift the tit" fund for future use.  So I am just as bad as those I'm about to bash.  But come on!  We have got to wake up and realize that we (the Mo-mos) love fulfilling carnal/fleshy/mortal desires just as much as the rest of the world.  Only we don't do it with fancy glasses (which I love) full of liquid.  No, we aren't that classy.  We use paper towels taken from the Stake Center's* bathroom to hold our fists full of brownies and rice krispie treats and cookies and then wash it down with a paper cup full of frothy frape.  Get it Mormon friends?  According to the WoW, WE. SIN. TOO.


I said it.

I admit it.

I own it.

I recognize it.

Then, evidently, in an attempt to curtail the fallout from quenching ones carnal cravings we have to slice and dice ourselves up so we can maintain our perfect selves.

Insanity.  Utter insanity.

Remember:  I'm a carb-o-whore AND I have a "lift the tit" fund.  So I'm just as insane as the rest of them.  Obviously, you can take the girl out of the Zion Curtain, but you can't always take the Zion Curtain out of the girl.

My road to hell is glazed with maple bacon doughnuts...but here's hoping that my boobs look amazing as I walk it.


dain said...

Well said

KarKar said...

Thank You Sister Hanson!!

We are ALL manifesting this motion, with the raising of our right hand!!

Besides I drink 55 beer - I am both using smart sense with less calories, but yet fulfilling my hoop's and barley NEED!!! And I don't dig cupcakes, but you give me NACHO'S and its on!!

Jamie Wayman said...


Dave said...

I'll add a slo-clap...


Well done, as always!

Shannon said...

Oh my hell!!!! I just found your blog. THANK THE LORD!
I have been reading older posts and laughing and agreeing out loud to my computer-my family is looking at me funny. Oh well. I don't care. I'm just glad I found you because heaven knows i need all the humor regarding the church that I can get!
Thanks again!!!