Sunday, July 8, 2012

Stripping Warriors

Anyone who ever attended church as a child knows it's hours upon hours of outrageous stories...ok, so that's not just limited to childhood...BUT as a kid they go the extra mile* and work extra hard to pound those faith inspiring, soul enriching, testimony building stories right into your little skull.  And when I say pound, I mean pound.

Not only do you get to listen to stories of Noah and Jonah and Job and every other scriptural headliner, but you also get to sing songs and do the occasional scriptural character craft.  Because we all know that nothing solidifies a child's testimony of gospel truths like gluing cotton balls on a paper cutout of Noah's beard.

Well, an uber popular Book of Mormon* story is about this kick ass military guy named Helaman and his army of 2,000 "stripling warriors".  Long story short the "warriors" were the kids of a bunch of parents who had taken an oath to never go to war...so reason says, "If I can't do it, I'll send my son"...and that folks is how you can 'righteously' justify child soldiers.  Sure, we look down upon it in places like Uganda and all but this is scripture, so it was obviously an a-ok move back in the day.

Well, anyway, these youth go out and kick a bunch of ass and not a single one of them dies because they were beyond faithful and righteous and according to the modern day interpretation they looked like this:
Uh-hello!  Would you mess with those "kids"?  Obviously ancient America was flooded with gyms and steroids.  Not to mention gigantic horses...this picture slays me on so many levels.  But this is the picture I grew up with in my head, well sort of...

See in my mother's version of the story they were 2,000 stripping warriors.  I know what you're thinking, "that's like Magic Mike on an epic scale".  Yes, yes it is.  Which is exactly why I hauled my righteous self to the movie theater.  I haven't seen a religious film in a really, really long time and  I figured I could use a spiritual pick-me-up, so Magic Mike it was.
There was stripping.

And at one point they were wearing military garb, so they could be classified as warriors.

And I definitely felt a burning in my bosom* (and maybe a few other unmentionable places)....and according to church doctrine, that is how you know the spirit is speakin' to ya.  I even felt like screaming "halleluiah" a couple of times (but that's more of a protestant thing to do, not really ok in the Mormon world), so I held myself together with a healthy dose of quiet dignity* and just really savored the movie one scene at a time.  I mean, a burning bosom is not an every day experience, so you need to relish it when it does happen.

Oh sure, there were a few moments when I thought, "OH!  THIS is what they were referring to in seminary* when they said if you ever go to an inappropriate movie you should get up and leave."  Well you know what those teachers obviously never paid $9 for a movie, you just don't walk out on nine bucks.  AND how can we seriously bear testimony of sin and the world's whoredoms if never experience them...wait...I'm pretty sure there was another seminary lesson about that...hmmmmm....I obviously don't remember it as well as the stripping warrior lesson.  

And really, who would.

Stripping Warriors = three thumbs up and a telestial high-five.

5 comments:

Bjorge Queen said...

That horse you're looking at could be a tapir. (Just a little Mormon appologetic humor for ya on a Monday morning.)

Carrie said...

That it could be...or maybe it's on a small mound

KarKar said...

I won't even be able to give a telestial high 5!!

But be sure to be checking my ass on fire with the Magic Mike boys in hell!!!

Jess said...

So I have had no desire to see Magic Mike. But with this review I might just have to!!

Kristy said...

Magic Mike is pure eye candy. Plot? Who cares about plot? :D One thing's for certain... Joe Manganiello can dance for me anytime. And aside from the stripping aspects of the dance routines, Channing Tatum is one heck of a dancer.