Tuesday, June 19, 2012

When Mormon's Throw Parties: Boobs Were Everywhere

Confession:  I'm not a huge fan of parties.

I don't care if it's Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Sentsy or the latest jewelery craze...I won't go.
Bridal shower?  I'd rather not.
Baby shower?  I'm probably working. 
Thrown by a Mormon?  Ellhay Onay

Now, if it's a birthday party of someone I love, or if everyone is getting sloshed, I might consider it (because intoxicated people find me particularly charming).  But keep it straight up LDS and there is very little that is going to convince me to go.

Mormon parties are pretty much all the same.  There is going to be a big bowl full of frape or some non-alcoholic Mormon punch.
My culture gets uber creative when it comes to non-alcoholic mixers.  Who knew there were so many uses for Sprite (or the local generic brand) and orange juice concentrate.  It's pretty amazing what people who secretly want to drink will come up with when they're trying to be fancy.

And you can probably bet your church donation money that there will be chicken salad.  I have no idea what it is, but Mormon's think if you throw out a tub of chicken salad and some croissants you have created the ultimate soiree.
I think it's the naughty little combination of mayo and grapes.  I'm fairly certain Eve herself came up with this sinful concoction.  After the big apple fiasco she probably went bat shit crazy in the kitchen and started eating all sorts of ungodly combinations.  The first being grapes in mayo.  It's a tradition she passed on to her daughters, who in turn passed it on to theirs....until the apostasy* when truth and all chicken salad recipes were lost.  But no worries, we live in the day of the restoration of all things*, including the blessed chicken salad grape mayo mixture.  This is one truth that the Relief Society* sisters will make sure is never lost again.

Then there's the token veggie tray and some sort of sweet.  You can go one of two ways on the sweets.  Either they are a total score and full of fatty goodness, or they left dessert up to the woman who home schools her kids and dabbles in veganism and insists on only baking with apple sauce and whole wheat...which, in case you've never had the pleasure of eating, tastes like lumps of wallpaper paste.  But you eat them with a smile and ask for the recipe...because that's the good Mormon thing to do.

So, that being said.  I do my best to avoid Mormon parties.  ESPECIALLY bridal and baby showers.  I mean, I am thrilled by other's happiness of moving on to the next steps of adulthood while I continue into my 23rd year of adolescents.  I am.  Totally thrilled.  What I'm not thrilled about is the other guests.

See, I don't keep up with the latest Mormon layering fashions...
I have no idea how to sport one of those huge flowering headbands (it's like a cranial tarantula)...
And I totally failed out of Mormon Hair and Makeup 101 at BYU.  I have no idea how to dress when I'm in that crowd.  Do I go safe and frump out?  Or do I try and be hip by adding a skinny belt?  I just don't know, so I just don't go.

Then there are the games.  Do we honestly need to melt candy bars in disposable diapers and then try and guess what they are?  Do I give a damn about what baby food tastes like?  Do I want to insult the mom to be by guessing her circumference?  No.  No.  And No.

Then there are the decorations.  If a baby is on the way there is going to be a stork somewhere in the room and/or a diaper cake.
I.  Hate.  the Diaper.  Cake.  Honestly, whoever came up with that tacky-ass idea should lose their church membership, or be forced to be in charge of gathering people together to clean the church every week.

So you might say it had been YEARS since I actually accepted an invitation to any kind of Mormon party.  But I caved to peer pressure a couple of weeks ago and went to a baby shower.  Sure enough, there was fun punch and chicken salad and lots and lots of layers and headbands and a tidal wave of ooos and ahhs over all of the little baby things.

"Oooooh....black and white polka dot pants!  Soooooooo adorbs"

Followed by shallow conversation and lots of tips about diaper genies and breast pads and nursing bras and all things mammillary.  I guess the boob convo went to far when the mom-to-be opened a book:  
There was an awkward silence then a quick shuffle as someone grabbed the book and threw it under the pile of polka dot pants.  Someone asked what the book was about "boobies" the self-designated gift organizer said under her breath.  "What?" someone else said.  "Boobies" she repeated.  "Oh!" then a ripple of whispered "boobies" by those brave enough to say the B word.

This is where the party took a turn for the better in my opinion.  It's also about the time my inner 14-year-old boy came out.  I can't help it.  The word "boobies" is funny on a normal day.  Add it to a room full of conservative women quietly whispering "boobies" to one another and well...I start to giggle.  And it just kept getting better.

I realize that most people probably don't look (and certainly wouldn't admit) that when they look at the world and see male and female genitalia everywhere, but I confess...I do.  I can't help it.  The moment I learned the definition of phallic I've been on the lookout.  I'm pretty certain this gift also stems from my inner 14-year-old boy.  Anyway.  The moment I started giggling the room exploded in "boobs", I started seeing them everywhere. 

The highlight was the capstone homemade gift.  BIGGEST.  BOOB.  EVER.  Everyone was oohing and ahhing and loving it, but I...I was frantically trying to get my roommates attention so I could point to the gift and mouth "BIGGEST BOOB EVER!" 

She was not amused and refused to acknowledge the likeness.  

But I know a boob when I see one.  And it was a boob...a jug...a knocker...a titty...a girl.  It was what it was.  The sooner we all see it, the happier we'll all be.

P.S.  This is also why we should never put cherries in the center of pineapple rings on top of cakes.  Boobs people...it's all about the boobs.


Dan Call said...

wait,s o what was the biggest boob ever supposed to be?

Dan Call said...

Angenette posted that not Dan

Natalie Harris said...

Just want you to know if you come back in the next life as that 14 year old boy I will marry you. You TRULY make my day when I get to read your stuff...Eve going bat shir crazy is my new FAVORITE image...I can just see Adam standing there watching...and the rest of the "ward" as well.

Anonymous said...

i'm a grandma lurker on your blog. i find you charming even without my alcohol. i've told so many peeps about your blog. they love it, too! thanks for all the laughs. cheers!

Unknown said...

Yeah what was it ?, I was waiting for a picture! I'm so unmormony I can't even guess. Something crocheted? A circle-shaped quilt?

KarKar said...

This is great.. and seriously what is with the diaper cake?! They are as obnoxious as the layering of clothes and the flesh spandex thingy, so clothing that WOULD show the G's are covered, and ever so sneakily!!!

You are a trooper!!! I can't even eat the chicken salad.. the house it was made in prolly had one of those tacky ass signs that say, "excuse the sticky floors and piled laundry, my children are making memories"... I loathe that shit!!!

Love the post!!

Anonymous said...

A whole blog dedicated to trashing Mormons? How bitter can a person possibly get? It makes me think they have something worth having, otherwise you wouldn't waste so much time being bothered by it...