Thursday, June 28, 2012

--Jim--, Jesus Thinks You're an Asshole

This morning I woke up (after a night of dreaming that my eyes were hemorrhaging and gushing blood) and decided to start the day off with ten cleansing breaths.  The kind where you suck in all the goodness the universe has to offer, hold it in as it invigorates your mind, body, and spirit, and then exhale nothing but peace and goodwill towards humanity.

And then I checked my email.

There was an email waiting from my Minnesota bestie.  I love my Minnesota bestie...that's why she's my bestie.  She's adventurous, and intelligent, an excellent cook, easy on the eyes, and someone you can talk to.  She's the type of friend you want to have in your corner.  So, imagine my reaction when she shared an email she'd received from  --Jim--
--Jim-- is just one of the many, many quality Mormon guys on Lds LinkUp, an "LDS Community Network".

--Jim-- is a 44 year old single male who works in Marketing/Business Development and lives in Utah.  He's 6' 3", a college grad, divorced, and doesn't have any children.  He likes mountaineering, biking, hoops, horses, MoTab, action/adventure movies, historical and non-fiction books, 60 Minutes, Scrubs, Lost and many, many other things. 

--Jim-- describes himself as being "passionate, loyal to a fault, adventurous, sincere, active, inquisitive, boyish, determined, pretense-less, sensitive, direct, open, honest, sometimes a dork -- always cool enough to get away with it"

--Jim-- would like to meet someone who is "active, athletic, intelligent, heartfelt, genuine, sincere, kind" and who thinks "sleeping out under the stars might have as much appeal to you as staying in a four star hotel".  He "want(s) to build something with someone -- not be a situation".

Doesn't sound too shabby.  And only a "pretense-less", "sensitive" guy would send an email like this to a girl like my bestie:

You know-

i kind of don't get you.  i was on here before, we enjoy a lot of the same things, but you were more than a bit's all good but i'm curious.  is it my age, or that i'm divorced?  just curious.

(it does speak a little as well that you've never been married by the way ;)  

Oh --Jim--, --Jim--, --Jim--.  Where do I even start?  With your pathetic inability to use the shift key?  Your obvious oversensitivity to your age and failed marriage?  The fact that you attempt to justify being a total self-centered prick by the dual use of the word curious?  Or do I start with the clever way you turned that parenthesis into a wink AFTER you wrote that snarky super "sensitive", "kind" and "heartfelt" comment?

Or maybe I should start with your creatively awesome photography skills:
Tinted windows AND you plug your phone into your pants?  Impressive.  Ladies love that.

Or there's this:
A 10 year old picture that proves your junk doesn't require much of a loin cloth to keep it covered.

--Jim--, something tells me your a real keeper.  An excellent example of a fine Mormon guy.  Who wouldn't want to spend eternity with you?  I know I'd personally LOVE to be subjected to your insecure, condescending wit on a daily basis.  I bet you'd verbally beat the shit out of whatever lucky lady you land and do it with that "honest" self-righteous grin, all while passing the sacrament and teaching the young men how to follow in your footsteps.  I know I'd lick that up and just keep asking for more.  Because you are as awesome as they come, an Ensign of a real man.  Girls like my bestie and I have been praying, and waiting, and hoping to meet a fantastic priesthood holder just like yourself.  Someone who can belittle and dominate and make us feel fortunate enough to have every bit of your weak sauce in our lives.

But --Jim--, I disagree that it only speaks "a little" that my bestie, and I for that matter, have "never been married".  I think it speaks volumes.  Volumes about our intelligence, our priorities, our standards, and the worth of our affection.  See --Jim--, contrary to popular LDS cultural belief, not just any LDS guy will do.  It takes more than a shared religion and the love of camping to make a relationship worth pursuing.   

So I apologize for my friend and her elusiveness...or as I like to call it, "discerning taste".  The fact is not all LDS girls partook of the cool-aid that would make you even remotely attractive.  Girls like my bestie don't give a damn about guys like you.  If she wanted a shallow ass in her life and a miserable eternal marriage she would have followed the crowd and married the first LDS prick to kiss her years ago.  A prick like you.

Honey badger may not give a shit about a lot of things...but best friends are not one of them.  You mess with her, you mess with me.

That's how real Sisters in Zion roll.


Natalie said...


Angenette said...


Jess said...

What a douche.

tara said...

you are freakin' awesome. (forgive my lack of shift key usage... i am a lazy typer as well so i forgive jim that). next time i get a nasty and insensitive email, i'm forwarding to you!

Darren said...

May I never - EVER - cross swords with you. Wow.

Well done. One of the best digital eviscerations (castrations? I couldn't decide which word fit best) I've ever read. Jim is likely in need of a visit to his therapist now. I hope she charges a lot.

My respect for you is at an all-time high, both for your spirited defence of a friend, and because I respect all friends who have the power to destroy - it's healthier.


Ames said...

I've never been more proud (of you) and to be a never married single woman. (Here me roar).

The Book Goddess said...

I so very much hope that "Jim" somehow comes across this blog sometime. It would be epic.

Jena said...

I freaking love you. You give me hope/perspective in the world of single Mormon womanhood. Amen and a little woman.

Erin said...

I don't know you but I really, really want to be friends.

Carrie said...

Then friends we shall be Erin

Odie and Franny's Mom said...

I just found your blog, wonderful. As a divorced single mom in her mid 40's I am so in the social leper club, have been a long time, and totally enjoy it now.

I revert to my 12 year old self too, I pretty sure that self is a boy.

But, I too, am wondering what the biggest boob ever was.

ethel aldehyde said...

awesome! a sharp tongue is a happy tongue. <3

Karyn Daugherty said...

That's funny. I just saw this on facebook today and think it would be the best response for Jim.

"Remember grammar is important. Capital letters are the difference between helping your Unlce Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

herpos derpos said...

My god. Guess guys have to be perfect to even think about talking with you in real life. Did you even try chatting with him? Or did you just assume he's an unchangeable asshole as soon as he said something you didn't like or took the wrong way?