Sunday, January 22, 2012

Nailing Jello

I have decided that trying to explain living in Mormon culture to someone who isn't Mormon is like trying to explain the logic of nailing Jello to a wall.  I have no idea how to do it without sounding totally and completely insane.  Here's how these conversations typically go:

Guy:  "So, you're Mormon?"

Me:  "Yepper, I'm a Mormon."

Me thinking:  Ugh, this never ends well...for anyone

Guy:  "So, what's it's like being Mormon?"

Me:  "Ummm, well, I'm what I like to call 'a social leper'.  Mormon girls are suppose to get married by 25 and have kids and be stay-at-home moms and never swear.  And well, that obviously doesn't describe me."

Me thinking:  Ahhhh hell.  I just described the 1950's.  I am an educated woman who is suppose to be a feminist and I just told this guy that I prescribe to a group that lives by patriarchy and keeps women in stereotypical roles.

Guy: "Married by 25?"

Me:  "Oh yes, and really, that's kind of old in Mormon terms.  So I've pretty much been a full fledged spinster for ten years now.  I'm a social misfit without a helluva lot of hope or prospects."

Me thinking:  Shizz, I just admitted that I AM a freak of my freakish culture.  He's going to wonder what's wrong with me and why I wasn't snatched up by a Mormon Prince Charming.  Coffee.  He's going to think I drink coffee.  Shiz, what kind of Mormon am I?  Well, obviously not a very good one if I'm still single and give people the impression that I drink coffee.

Guy: "Wow, that must be rough."

Me:  "Absolutely.  That's usually why I end up crying every week during church."

Me thinking:  SHUT UP HANSON.  God is going to curse you for painting such a bleak picture of the church...THIS IS WHY YOU ARE SINGLE.  GOD IS CURSING YOU FOR BEING NEGATIVE. 

Guy:"So would you ever date someone who wasn't Mormon?"

Me:  "Uhhh, I get asked that a lot.  And obviously it would be easier to marry someone of my own faith but you know, I'm open.  But the truth is, once a guy hears that I'm Mormon they're generally not interested...yet I'm obviously not the Mormon guy's idea of perfection either."

Me thinking:  Mormon culture is insanity.  Pure and simple.  I mean, I'm smart and tall and funny and take pole dancing lessons...shiz, I'm frikin' A awesome.  Who wouldn't want this.  Oh yeah, all of those guys you dated who broke up with you for being too Mormon, or not Mormon enough.  Hell.  This is pointless...I'm feeling hopeless...did I take my anti depression meds this morning?  Hmmmm, maybe I should take them again.  Oh great Carrie, in order to survive your religious culture you have to be drugged.  DRUGGED Hanson.  I don't think this is what God had in mind.  Well obviously it is, because it's what I'm living.  Op, there you go again, being negative.  God is NOT going to bless you until you stop being so damn negative.  And swearing, you need to simmer that down.  F-that, I'm going to swear all I want.  You're talking to yourself again...

Guy: "Yet you keep going to church?"

Me:  "Yep, I keep going."

Me thinking:  I don't understand it either. 

Nailing Jello to the wall folks.  Jello. to. the. wall.


Armelle said...

That guy sounds nice, you should see him again. Or did you invented that conversation entirely?

Jess said...

You're fawesome. Someone equally as fawesome will figure it out someday. I'm convinced of this!!

KarKar said...

Quit frankly DRUGGED Hanson - You've got it right AND every man has it wrong. You are doing exactly what you should be doing because of your belief..whats so bad about that? Too Mormon...NOT Mormon enough. Bull shit. People normally cover up their faults/weakness' while criticizing others strong determination.

And putting all my cards on the table Miss Carrie - if it weren't for my babies and the things I over came in the last ten years, I would want to be just like you. Doing it just the way you are doing it. Because I really sucked for a long time, and I know that if I would have just let "Jesus take the wheel", my life wouldn't have such sadness.

So in conclusion, rock that pole dancing, swear like my grandpa did in the War, have your own thoughts and opinions. Mostly, just know that you are a great example to many woman - married or not, religious or on sabbatical - and also the example you are to men who are feeling the same way you are, (its just that they have a penis..not much you should/could change there, Juno?) Everybody has a shitty day, week or for me a decade..BUT that crazy God knows what's up and is just making you sweat a little too long in my opinion...but you know what I'm saying.

Also anytime you need to leave Minnesota for not so freezing ice layered sidewalks you come to Utah - or anytime you need a little vacay, with just mighty girl power, you can be Maverik and I'll be IceMan, (you know what happened to Goose), We'll just slam on our brakes and watch all the effer's fly by!!!

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