Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Year I Played Satan in the Christmas Play

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic tonight.  I love Christmas time.  I love the smells and the cheer and the wrapping paper and odd treats made out of pretzels and rolos (we really have gotten lazy in our modern day candy making abilities).  Since I'm spending Christmas with my bestie and her husband as a sister wife (the non-romantic type) I won't be participating in the usual Hanson holiday cheer.  There probably won't be any talks about masturbation as we gather around the dining room table for our Christmas feast.  Nor will the tree be whisked down and thrown out seconds after the last present is open.  And I'm fairly certain no one will be getting a pony...all things I'll miss out on by being at home.

Christmas was a magical time of my youth.  My mom made oodles of awesome treats (that I would sneak and eat for a solid month), and the neighbors were constantly dropping by to swap goodies.  The snowbank right out the back door became our 2nd refrigerator and was generally loaded with 2 liter bottles of soda and assorted meats.  Ahhh, the magic of meat plucked fresh from a snowbank.  Yes, Christmas as a kid was amazing.

Then there was that one year I was 16 and was finally asked to participate in the *ward Christmas program.  As a little girl I had always dreamed about being in the program.  I wanted to play Mary so bad.  To hold the baby Jesus and have people say how beautiful I was.  But that role always went to a Lufkin girl...those Lufkin ladies were slim and had the longest most beautiful hair.  My pudgy, Orphan Annie permed self didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of being picked to be Mary.  But my moment of fame did come...the year they asked me to play Satan in the Christmas program.

"What?" you say.  "Satan? I don't remember Satan being at the first Christmas."

Right?  Neither do I.  But someone thought he'd make an awesome addition to the annual Annis Christmas program, and they thought I was the perfect embodiment of all things dark and unholy.  I suppose it was an easy decision for them.  I mean, I was the "bad" one.  The one who spent week after week after week in the bishops* office because I was a "bad influence" on the other *young women (no, I haven't gotten over it and I'll probably bring it up in blog posts until I'm 90).  Anyway, I had a bad rap at that point, and my combat boot, black lipstick, gothic self didn't help to improve my image.  If anything, it made it worse...go figure.

To prepare for my staring role I studied those around me...the truly devilish ones.  Those who prayed with you on Sunday and preyed on you every other day of the week.  That was pretty easy to find considering I lived in Judgement-ville where I was the "bad" one (who had never been kissed or tasted a drop of liquor) while many of the "good"ones were getting knocked up and doing who knows what while I worked my part time job, sustained a solid GPA, made preparations for college, was in a dozen clubs and held youth government positions...yep, Me = EVIL.


Anyway, the night of the Christmas play came and I dressed the part...of a cowgirl.  In my book, evil and cowgirls were one in the same.  I wore hot pink Wrangers and ratted my hair (Idaho style).  I wore cowboy boots and sported a boob window shirt.  Then I stripped off the black lipstick and put on blue eye shadow.  Off to church I went.

People complimented me on looking so great (they were serious) and asked me why I didn't dress up to play my part.  I threw my head back and laughed, quoting Matthew 23:27.  I then grabbed a beer bottle prop and proceeded to "tempt" the *primary kids as they all sang "Choose the Right".

Lamest Christmas program ever. 

Whoever came up with that one should be shot.  Unfortunately, shooting people falls into one of the *top 10 and is highly frowned upon, especially at Christmas. 

Such a shame.

I hope everyone has a fantabulous Christmas, and may Satan (and/or cowboys) NOT be a part of your celebration.

-Luv ya all,
Carrie...that rhymes with Mary...two of the most FAWESOME virgins this world has ever seen.

Yep, I said it.


Jess said...

You're the fawesomest person I know!!! Thanks for posting!!

Jenny F. said...

LaCroix would always quip, "No me debe adorar" when those we were trying to teach would say they prayed to the Virgin of Guadeloupe. I'd about die! Those snow bank freezers are about the only redeeming quality easter Idaho has!

KarKar said...

Oh this is great. I've never met a Natalie (besides your friend) or Lufkin I liked!!

The line "Those who prayed with you on Sunday and preyed on you every other day of the week." Should be in a book or used as reference to the real world. I'm going to go ahead and "goDaddy" that for you and dot com the shit out of it!!


Armelle said...

A "beer bottle prop", I bet it was easier to find a prop that convince one of the good ladies a the yard to go out and buy a real one for the play... Imagine what the neighbors would have said ;)

Andrew said...

"My pudgy, Orphan Annie permed self" - Oh to see a pic of this...

Armelle said...

And I just realized something, Santa and Satan are just a mispell away :)

Cathy McGriff said...

Carrie, I want to be you when I grow up. Rock on!

Sparkling said...

Found you at finding the funny. Excellent post.