Too bad Meril Perkins is no longer with us (well, I'm assuming he's no longer with us), because if he were I'm pretty sure he'd LOVE to do a special on "The Mormon Douche".
The episode would go something like this:
"Last week we journeyed to the Gambia, West Africa to see how a number of once captive chimpanzees are being reeducated into being reintroduced into the wild...
"This week we head to Utah, home of the Mormon Douche..."
He'd start with this guy: The DB
click here to read)
This is the most harmelss type of douche. He's super easy to spot in a crowd (look for Girbaud jeans, the smell of Cool Water cologne, a popped collar, and the spray tan lines). Sure, he's probably married or has a serious girlfriend, and chances are he has a lifetime prescription for penicillin, but other than sending you disturbing self-portraits showing his lopsided wall-eyed nipples, he won't really bother you.
Merlin would then move on to the more dangerous Mormon Douche, also known as: The Vinny.
Vinny (short for Vinegar) is the most common type of Mormon douche.
Vinny's are assholes, pure and simple.
But the worst, most manipulative, degrading Mormon Douche is what I like to call: The Whaler.
My friend recently spent far too much of her time with a Whaler. He's a recently divorced dentist (making money off of exploring smelly orfices should always be a red flag), whose wife just up and left him (go figure), he's damaged (damn right he is) and "insecure" and just re-entering the dating field, where he's looking for a "righteous LDS woman" who enjoys long walks along the beach and reading scriptures. He professes his righteousness and plays the part perfectly. He's taken notes his entire life on what it is Mormon girls are looking for: honesty, kindness, faith, blah-blah-blah. He plays the *priesthood card like no other, lulling you into a false sense of security that he's a righteous man of God who wants to protect your heart and make you feel like the princess you really are.
Once he has you believing that he's not like the other DBs in the Mormon World, he sneaks in for the physical affection. He's pretty sly with this, slow and deliberate. He says all the things you want to hear while bearing his *testimony about wanting a serious relationship. He makes you believe, mixing smarmy fantasy with doctrine. He looks and acts like everything the Mormon girl is taught they should look for in a man. He's a *returned missionary who does service in his free time. He's loyal and dedicated and cunning.
The whaler is the worst. The worst because he's not obvious like the DB, or stupid like the Vinny, he's calculating and manipulating in the worst way. He plays upon your spiritual side as much as he plays upon your heart. His level of deceit is clinically diagnosable. He's a charming anti-social psychopath and I would like to think that there is a special place in hell where God sends guys who use and manipulate His daughters the way the Whaler does.
Oh sure, I know that the rest of the world is also full of douches but they're easier to spot. They swear and drink coffee and watch R rated movies, and Mormon girls have very keen radars when it comes to spotting and avoiding that pile of evil.
However, no one ever sat us down in *Young Women and warned us of the imperfections of the *RM, or even suggested that some Mormon guys are total assholes. Nope, we were taught to not wear tight shirts (because you'll only make guys think dirty carnal thoughts) and to not be too flirtatious (because no righteous man wants a slut) and to keep our cupcakes pure and lick-free until Peter Priesthood comes along and whisks us off to the temple where we can wed in eternal bliss and live forever happy under pure and righteous patriarchy.
Nope, they don't teach you that. In fact, I don't think the church even recognizes the existance of the Mormon Douche. Oh sure, they teach the fabled story of Sasquatch being Cain, but they don't teach their girls to look at LDS guys the same way they teach you to look at the guy with the Starbucks cup.
In my opinion they should, because the reality is douches come in every shape, size, and religion.
Next time I'm asked to give a lesson in *Young Women on the value of keeping your cupcake clean I'm going to skip it and give the lesson they really need: Don't Date a Douche.
*Note* there are a lot of awesome and great non-douche Mormon guys as well...problem is, most of them are just dead, married or gay.