Sunday, December 11, 2011

Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kindgom Presents: The Mormon Douche

Too bad Meril Perkins is no longer with us (well, I'm assuming he's no longer with us), because if he were I'm pretty sure he'd LOVE to do a special on "The Mormon Douche".
The episode would go something like this:

"Last week we journeyed to the Gambia, West Africa to see how a number of once captive chimpanzees are being reeducated into being reintroduced into the wild...

"This week we head to Utah, home of the Mormon Douche..."
He'd then go on to explain the various identifying factors of the three dominate types of Mormon Douches.

He'd start with this guy:  The DB
(Who I already blogged about once: click here to read)

This is the most harmelss type of douche.  He's super easy to spot in a crowd (look for Girbaud jeans, the smell of Cool Water cologne, a popped collar, and the spray tan lines).  Sure, he's probably married or has a serious girlfriend, and chances are he has a lifetime prescription for penicillin, but other than sending you disturbing self-portraits showing his lopsided wall-eyed nipples, he won't really bother you. 

Merlin would then move on to the more dangerous Mormon Douche, also known as: The Vinny.

Vinny (short for Vinegar) is the most common type of Mormon douche.
He is more difficult to identify than The DB (although 99.9% of my friends will tell you that the Vinnys in their lives have been named Brian...something to watch out for).  Vinny dresses like a nice guy, talks like a nice guy, and most of the time he even acts like a nice guy.  He'll open your door and even buy you dinner every now and then.  But then he'll turn on you...like profess his love, take you to Disney World, talk marriage, then send you a text or email saying, "it's not going to work" three days later.

Vinny's are assholes, pure and simple.

But the worst, most manipulative, degrading Mormon Douche is what I like to call:  The Whaler.

Why, you ask, would I call him "The Whaler"?  Well folks, it's because he is such such a ginormous douche that he could clean a frikin' whale's vagina.  Yep, I said it:  WHALE VAGINA.  Hold that mental picture in your head for a minute.

My friend recently spent far too much of her time with a Whaler.  He's a recently divorced dentist (making money off of exploring smelly orfices should always be a red flag), whose wife just up and left him (go figure), he's damaged (damn right he is) and "insecure" and just re-entering the dating field, where he's looking for a "righteous LDS woman" who enjoys long walks along the beach and reading scriptures.  He professes his righteousness and plays the part perfectly.  He's taken notes his entire life on what it is Mormon girls are looking for:  honesty, kindness, faith, blah-blah-blah.  He plays the *priesthood card like no other, lulling you into a false sense of security that he's a righteous man of God who wants to protect your heart and make you feel like the princess you really are.

Once he has you believing that he's not like the other DBs in the Mormon World, he sneaks in for the physical affection.  He's pretty sly with this, slow and deliberate.  He says all the things you want to hear while bearing his *testimony about wanting a serious relationship.  He makes you believe, mixing smarmy fantasy with doctrine.  He looks and acts like everything the Mormon girl is taught they should look for in a man.  He's a *returned missionary who does service in his free time.  He's loyal and dedicated and cunning.

The whaler is the worst.  The worst because he's not obvious like the DB, or stupid like the Vinny, he's calculating and manipulating in the worst way.  He plays upon your spiritual side as much as he plays upon your heart.  His level of deceit is clinically diagnosable.  He's a charming anti-social psychopath and I would like to think that there is a special place in hell where God sends guys who use and manipulate His daughters the way the Whaler does.

Oh sure, I know that the rest of the world is also full of douches but they're easier to spot.  They swear and drink coffee and watch R rated movies, and Mormon girls have very keen radars when it comes to spotting and avoiding that pile of evil. 

However, no one ever sat us down in *Young Women and warned us of the imperfections of the *RM, or even suggested that some Mormon guys are total assholes.  Nope, we were taught to not wear tight shirts (because you'll only make guys think dirty carnal thoughts) and to not be too flirtatious (because no righteous man wants a slut) and to keep our cupcakes pure and lick-free until Peter Priesthood comes along and whisks us off to the temple where we can wed in eternal bliss and live forever happy under pure and righteous patriarchy.

Nope, they don't teach you that.  In fact, I don't think the church even recognizes the existance of the Mormon Douche.  Oh sure, they teach the fabled story of Sasquatch being Cain, but they don't teach their girls to look at LDS guys the same way they teach you to look at the guy with the Starbucks cup.

In my opinion they should, because the reality is douches come in every shape, size, and religion. 

Next time I'm asked to give a lesson in *Young Women on the value of keeping your cupcake clean I'm going to skip it and give the lesson they really need:  Don't Date a Douche.

*Note*  there are a lot of awesome and great non-douche Mormon guys as well...problem is, most of them are just dead, married or gay.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

A serious question:
Is "Douche" shorthand for a guy who is primarily trying to "get some law-of-chastity breaking action" but (in the case of the latter two types) uses a smokescreen of other intentions to distract the girl or reduce her defenses?

Pammie said...

Laughing out loud, as usual.

Joe said...

Fascinating post. Your style and subject matter is refreshing and it's good to know there are LDS people in the world still willing to be honest with themselves.

As an Ex-Mo married to a TBM (True Believing Mormon ) I'd like to add that if more Mormon women were honest with themselves about what they want out of the Law of Chastity (for example, knowing that a man wants more than just sex), they might be more likely to take a chance on a guy who drinks Starbucks and uses words with four letters in them and find themselves with a guy completely unlike what their Beehive Advisers warned them about when they were girls.

I drink on occasion, swear with frequency, and love my wife and daughters fiercely, have never raised my hand to any of them and work hard to provide for them and I am faithful to them always and kind as much as a husband and father can be.

Adversely, there's plenty a Mormon guy I am not proud to have called my friend and many a Mormon girl I'm ashamed to have pursued who don't live up to what they claim to be but, at least they don't drink coffee or watch R-rated movies.

I know - beyond - the -shadow - of - a doubt...

They can have each other. To have and to judge one another for time and all eternity the way Jesus wants it. I wouldn't trade my girl for any other TBM, Christian or Agnostic in the world, because my non-religion allows me to see people through their denim dresses and underneath-tanks (I always wondered if that's what those were) if they will only look past my beer bottle and my language and see another person. Of course, if you think about it, MY outlook lets me see her naked, but take it from me: Mormon guys see naked women EVERYWHERE.

Carrie said...

Anonymous: Yeah, I guess that's a fair assessment. The clincher is the "smokescreen" they use is the church and their guise of righteousness...which makes them 100 times worse than your typical run-of-the-mill douche.

Carrie said...

Joe, when you say "Mormon guys see naked women EVERYWHERE" do you say that in the old Tootsie Roll commercial way as in "whatever it is I think I see, becomes a naked girl to me"? And my only hope is if the latter is true that I look like a frikin' Play Boy Bunny in their twisted little minds.

KarKar said...

So true. So true.

I have to tell you, while we were on vacation, a salesman asked us where we were from..we say Salt Lake City. He asks, are you LDS? We said yes, but very much on a sabbatical. He said, UHHH, I so wanted to meet some one from utah that is NOT mormon. Chris says, yes we are but not the best example. The guy says, so you aren't a priesthood holder and you AREN'T walking around with magic oil? Again we said not exactly. He said I should have known, you smile too much. Sad.

I found it odd.. the examples the mormons set and the image that we hold suck or so the public feels.

Douche bags come in the same form and shape as other religions, I just think the mormon douche bags are the worst, cause they are supposed to be non-existent. I can see the non mormon confusion...

Armelle said...

I still think you didn't finish the story about the Whaler, keep blogging :)