Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I have a friend currently living behind the Zion Curtain* who decided to go to a mid-singles ward. For those of you who have no idea what a mid-singles ward, it's a ward* for those who are past the prime Mormon marrying age (31+). Imagine the Land of the Misfit Toys where virgins, or at least those pretending to be virgins, come together in the hopes of sifting through the social awkwardness to find a spouse. My brother went to a Utah mid-singles ward once. In order to join the congregation he had to sign an actual contract that stated that he was "actively dating and searching for an eternal companion*". Yes folks, they're serious about matrimony. None of this "get to know you before I marry you" shiz us therapists preach. Mid-single's wards have a mission, and that mission is legal procreation...I mean, I imagine there are bajillions of spirits waiting to come to earth who are all lined up fighting for a spot to be born into a lack-luster "I married your dad because he was all there was left" family.
I personally think the mid-single's wards, activities, Facebook pages, etc. are dripping with creepiness and I do my best to totally and completely avoid them. However, my friend is not as snotty as I am, so she put on her Sundee best and headed on over to a mid-single's for some Sabbath day enlightenment and window shopping of the local single's crowd. Of course, what she came away with was so, so much more...
Text sent by friend living behind the Zion Curtain who attended the mid-single's ward:
"Lesson from gospel doctrine today: 'You are compromising your sexual purity and morality if you are in the vicinity of people having sex'"
Go ahead...take a brief moment to get the WHAT THE FUH's out of your system.
There are just so many tantalizing avenues I can take with this one. I mean first and foremost, what do you think the definition of "vicinity" is? Is "vicinity" the next room? The next house? The next street? I need some clarification. Is this the new round-about say of saying, "it doesn't matter if your visiting teaching* partner is participating...threesomes are BAD"? Does "vicinity" include the space standing behind the camera? If I can see you with binoculars but you're quite a distance away...vicinity? I walk by your van in the parking lot...vicinity?
This shiz is just too vague.
Next, I think we can all agree that if all it takes is someone else having sex to compromise our sexual purity then we're all screwed. Whose childhood bedroom wasn't next door to their parents? I mean, holy gross! In fact, my parents were having sex when I was conceived..."in the vicinity"? Yes, I think I was.
Another thing, since when did Mormons start believing in vicarious sins? Last time I checked we were pretty much against that doctrine. We don't claim Adam's sins, why in the hell would I start claiming the neighborhood sperm sucking gutter sludge's sins? This just doesn't make sense and it pisses me off. Because if my sexual purity is going to be compromised it damn well better end in a pleasurable sensation that will make me crave a cigarette. What's the point of sinning if there's no reward? P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S.
Oh how I LOVE the preaching of false doctrine on a large scale! Really warms the heart.
And lastly, WHY IN THE HELL would you tell this type of crap to a room full of already socially awkward outcasts who just want to be normal? This is the the type of stuff that makes us (Mormons) very UN-NORMAL. Someone is going to pass on to someone else, who will also pass it on...and pretty soon it will be spreading faster than herpes through a porn shop, and the end result will be some already socially challenged 30 something turning to their coworker and saying, "You really should move. Your slutty roommate is compromising your sexual purity and morality and God doesn't want that for you. Here's a Book of Mormon, want to come to Family Home Evening* with me on Monday night? We're going to be playing Where's Waldo at the mall."
There is a reason the world things Mormons are freaks...because sometimes we are.
Posted by Carrie at 2:58 PM