Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Stolen Material

Since I'm fasting* from church for a few weeks I'm low on blog worthy material.  So this post is based off of stolen material that I didn't get permission to hopefully the supplier will still be my friend.

I have a friend currently living behind the Zion Curtain* who decided to go to a mid-singles ward.  For those of you who have no idea what a mid-singles ward, it's a ward* for those who are past the prime Mormon marrying age (31+).  Imagine the Land of the Misfit Toys where virgins, or at least those pretending to be virgins, come together in the hopes of sifting through the social awkwardness to find a spouse.  My brother went to a Utah mid-singles ward once.  In order to join the congregation he had to sign an actual contract that stated that he was "actively dating and searching for an eternal companion*".  Yes folks, they're serious about matrimony.  None of this "get to know you before I marry you" shiz us therapists preach.  Mid-single's wards have a mission, and that mission is legal procreation...I mean, I imagine there are bajillions of spirits waiting to come to earth who are all lined up fighting for a spot to be born into a lack-luster "I married your dad because he was all there was left" family. 

I personally think the mid-single's wards, activities, Facebook pages, etc. are dripping with creepiness and I do my best to totally and completely avoid them.  However, my friend is not as snotty as I am, so she put on her Sundee best and headed on over to a mid-single's for some Sabbath day enlightenment and window shopping of the local single's crowd.  Of course, what she came away with was so, so much more...

Text sent by friend living behind the Zion Curtain who attended the mid-single's ward:
"Lesson from gospel doctrine today:  'You are compromising your sexual purity and morality if you are in the vicinity of people having sex'"

Go ahead...take a brief moment to get the WHAT THE FUH's out of your system. 

There are just so many tantalizing avenues I can take with this one.  I mean first and foremost, what do you think the definition of "vicinity" is?  Is "vicinity" the next room?  The next house?  The next street?  I need some clarification.  Is this the new round-about say of saying, "it doesn't matter if your visiting teaching* partner is participating...threesomes are BAD"?  Does "vicinity" include the space standing behind the camera?  If I can see you with binoculars but you're quite a distance away...vicinity?  I walk by your van in the parking lot...vicinity?

This shiz is just too vague.

Next, I think we can all agree that if all it takes is someone else having sex to compromise our sexual purity then we're all screwed.  Whose childhood bedroom wasn't next door to their parents?  I mean, holy gross!  In fact, my parents were having sex when I was conceived..."in the vicinity"?  Yes, I think I was. 

Another thing, since when did Mormons start believing in vicarious sins?  Last time I checked we were pretty much against that doctrine.  We don't claim Adam's sins, why in the hell would I start claiming the neighborhood sperm sucking gutter sludge's sins?  This just doesn't make sense and it pisses me off.  Because if my sexual purity is going to be compromised it damn well better end in a pleasurable sensation that will make me crave a cigarette.  What's the point of sinning if there's no reward?  P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S.

Oh how I LOVE the preaching of false doctrine on a large scale!  Really warms the heart.

And lastly, WHY IN THE HELL would you tell this type of crap to a room full of already socially awkward outcasts who just want to be normal?  This is the the type of stuff that makes us (Mormons) very UN-NORMAL.  Someone is going to pass on to someone else, who will also pass it on...and pretty soon it will be spreading faster than herpes through a porn shop, and the end result will be some already socially challenged 30 something turning to their coworker and saying, "You really should move.  Your slutty roommate is compromising your sexual purity and morality and God doesn't want that for you.  Here's a Book of Mormon, want to come to Family Home Evening* with me on Monday night?  We're going to be playing Where's Waldo at the mall."


There is a reason the world things Mormons are freaks...because sometimes we are.


anMAREe said...

I can totally relate to this. I went a few weeks ago and the lesson was on chastity. It just made me want to go out and sex it up as an act of rebellion against the awkwardly taught lesson.

Jaime Saul said...

Seriously almost peed myself..... :)

Julie said...

I'M A SOCIALLY AWKWARD OUTCAST? Ouch! Can't I blame my single-after-31 status on the fact that I foolishly married a selfish asshole and just couldn't take it anymore?

Seriously, I love your blog! Thanks for the laugh! And the warning-I will steer clear of singles wards. Sounds very creepy.

Anonymous said...

Since I am giving up on facebook, this is all I will read from now on. Big fan. Jason

Natalie said...


Jenny P said...

Does this mean I have to stop listening to my neighbors?

Anonymous said...

I am still amazed at the stuff they spew out at church!

When they are getting this kind of BS thrown at them, no wonder there are so many sexually dysfunctional Mormans.

Bjorge Queen said...

This is probably what my uptight roommate, "V" was thinking 20 years ago when she had another roommate, "C" kicked out of the house after a third roommate "M" walked in on "C" and her boyfriend having "relations" in "C"
s bedroom. Door knocking could have solved that boot knocking problem.

Anonymous said...

Maybe vicinity is the new mormon code word for Vajayjay...... because that is the only way that doctrine would make any sense. Hopefully one day I will have someone in my vicinity, wait who am I kidding I am one of the girls there just pretending to be a pure virgin!

Angenette said...


"Meow!" said...

I've been reading (and reading, and reading) your blogs. You, Miss Carrie, are an amazing woman. I've thoroughly enjoyed reading your insights. They're funny, they're oh so accurate, and quite frankly, they make me feel that much better about having dumped an LDS friend of mine (formerly my boyfriend) who has NO problem lying to people whenever it suits his purpose, and now, he's even shacked up with a married woman (who has come back into the LDS fold - good sheep, nice sheep) but they're not doing anything wrong because she's "legally separated" from her husband... How about still legally married to him, dumbass??

But regardless, keep on keeping on, Carrie. Your blogs are great!

herpos derpos said...

Fucking Mormon BS rules strike again. Do yourself a favor and dump'm, but I can see why you'd stay just so you'd have something to make fun of. Seems like it's not hard to find something, lolz