Thursday, September 1, 2011

No Escape

Sundays are NOT fun-days.  God really should have created an 8th day, so He could rest on the 7th and do His churchly duties and then recuperate on the 8th from the turmoil and trauma that was created on the 7th.  Seriously.  I'm pretty certain a bonus "do something fun you'll have to repent for later" day really would set the tone for a spectacular week a lot better than the "day of rest and guilt" we currently go through on a weekly basis. 

Sunday, as I was leaving church, it dawned on me that suicidal ideation is probably NOT what the Lord was going for when he created ye ol' "day of rest"...yet that is what I've had for the last 2 Sundees...and for pretty obvious reasons.

As if willingly sitting through three hours of church wasn't bad enough, the last two weeks I have spent those third hours trapped in a room of women discussing the "blessings" of eternal marriage*.  Now the first week I just chalked it up to the fact that we were due to have a lesson on marriage.  I mean it hadn't formally been discussed in at least a month and we all know that if we don't talk about it a least 90% of the time we're likely going to completely forget that it exists and slip into a state of cannibalistic free-loving heathens.  And we can't have that happening.  So eternal marriage it was.

Unfortunately, I failed to check on the topic of the day before I wedged myself between two young mothers and their chubby kneed babies on the front row.  The only means of escape would have been to hurdle the babies AND their baby blankets AND their toys which were spread out all over the floor around me...I was trapped.  So I sat through the lesson as those around me shared ridiculously idealistic 1950's ideas about how to sustain a blissful eternal matrimony...or at least how to fake your kids into thinking that marriage is all about 1950's ideals and eternal bliss.

I wanted to suffocate myself but figured that would have been a bit dramatic for a front row I just let the tears flow and pretended to be uplifted* by those around me.

I figured that since we'd already gotten the Eternal Marriage talk out of the way the previous week that this week would offer an emotionally safer topic.

I was wrong.

This week's lesson was Eternal Marriage part deux.  Now I thought part one was bad, part deux was a million times worse.  Part deux was all about how if you want to get into the C-K* you have to be married, in the temple*, to blah, blah, blah*.  Then came the worst part, the dreaded "all you single ladies" clause.  The "all you single ladies" clause basically goes something like this:

(Carrie's paraphrase)  "Some of you uglier, less talented, special spirits* will never have the opportunity to marry in this life.  Do not fear, because IF you live life as the holiest of holy virgins AND you never feel bad about being such a loser AND you attend church and keep all of the covenants with the cheeriest of cheery hearts AND you don't get depressed, or bitter, or angry, or upset, or resentful, or feel any naturally occurring human emotion other than total and complete JOY over your misery, AND you keep more faith than that damn little mustard seed* you always read about, AND you spend 99.9% of your time serving others, AND you never murmur, AND you never think about sex or love or children or a husband, AND you never date or fall in love with anyone who treats you well but isn't also a Mormon, AND you read the scriptures and pray and attend all your church meetings and do everything you're ever asked to do, AND you smile like you like it...well then maybe, JUST MAYBE you will be allowed to spend eternity as wife #110 to a deserving male AFTER you die...but ONLY IF..."

SON OF A BITCH THAT CLAUSE DOESN'T HELP!  It doesn't.  So can we PLEASE STOP SAYING IT?  Will the lady teaching the lesson, who has been married for 50 years SHUT THE FLUCK UP and STOP telling ME, and every other single female in the room to how to feel?  STOP!  DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL!  Don't tell me to rejoice and to be patient and to enjoy the frikin' journey.  DON'T! 

I really struggled holding my feelings back during the 2nd week's lesson, as I demonstrated by putting a double barreled finger gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger when the teacher stated "the clause" for the 30th time.  SERIOUSLY LADY?  DO YOU THINK THAT BY REPEATING IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN THAT YOU'RE MAKING IT BETTER?

And then she said something that provoked me into taking off my shoe and throwing it at her (metaphorically of course).  She pulled out some obscure book and then proceeded to say that it was written by a really talented and intelligent woman...WHO WAS SINGLE (she had to point that out like singleness is a disability and we need to applaud when a single person, who obviously fails in the relationship category, can pull her shit together enough to write a book).  She went on and on and on about this woman's accomplishments and credentials and then she said, "she is a marriage and family therapist, and single...I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WORKS."

Now, as a single marriage and family therapist I took extreme offense to this comment.  One does not have to be married to be a good, great, or totally FAWESOME marriage and family therapist.  I know many an OBGYN who lugs around a penis all day...does that make them less qualified to deliver babies?  I don't think so.  You don't have to have a vagina to be a good obstetrician and you don't have to have a spouse to be a good therapist.

She was lucky she made that statement with 10 seconds left on the clock, because I was about to go all sorts of kung fu on her ass.

By the time I made it to my car I decided I had 2 choices:

1.  snuff myself out...thus losing all chances of becoming wife #110 or even #340 for that matter
2.  take a few weeks and attend mass

I'm going to start with #2.  The Catholic church doesn't teach eternal marriage, so I'll be safe there...of course according to them I'm going to hell for other reasons.  But at this moment, I'm ok with that.


Anonymous said...

Brutal! Two weeks in a row in celestial marriage? I guess I can't complain about my one lesson. I feel the same way about the single ladies clause. It's so condescending! Sigh.

Maybe I'll come with you to mass . . .

Tyler Young said...

Hi Carrie, been following your blog for a couple of months now. It's too funny. I was a member for 28 years, believed it whole-heartedly, and sat through many a lesson like the one you just went through. Although those lessons were annoying, I see a lot of value in staying a member and I know why you put up with all of this.

I'd love to talk to you. Are you able to see my email address without me posting it here?

shelly said...

If I had the words to say how I feel, this is EXactly how I would say it. Church is brutal.... Nuff said. I love reading your blog. It keeps me from going crazy just knowing that someone out there is feeling like I am. Thank you and keep writing!!

Jess said...

Oh you should of physically thrown your shoe!!! I love your blog. I'm currently in a pattern of not going to church at all right now. My reasons are different than yours are, but it's nice to know other people get annoyed too!

Armelle said...

I trust in my heart that your enduring faith will save you, no matter what: you don't give up on God, he won't give up on you.

Creature said...

Your blog rocks! Throw the shoe! Relevant personal anecdote:

We had a sort of similar situation but it involved a severely autistic child and the primary. I know of at least 2 friends who have fled from R.S. in tears over matriarchal blow-hardery.

PLEASE don't feel any guilt or allow anyone else to shove any guilt on you for looking for what's best for you. Going to different churches is a really amazing experience and I never would have felt brave enough to try it if not for the hard rock we felt pushed against. ENJOY!!

I've given up on going to heaven. It doesn't sound like any fun, none of the people I really like will be there . . . really I think my care is about empty. I only have enough care to spare and heaven doesn't get anymore. I don't know. I tired of being told I'm not doing enough and not doing it right. I hear it all the time from all sides of my life, it too much to hear it at church all the time too.

Carrie said...

I love you all!

Thursday: I'm pretty sure we would be fantabulous friends who would sit together on the back row and play battleship on our iphones (of course I'd have to get an iphone)

Tyler: Sorry, no email shows up, but you can find me on LDSLinkup under me there it will make me feel special.

Shelly: I'm fairly certain the majority of us feel the same, if we'd all just say it out loud!

Jess: The fact you went at all speaks volumes!

Creature: I know, with every fiber of my being, that the CK is NOT going to be as rocking and amazing as the middle kingdom. If given a choice between eternity with U2 and the Mo-Tab...well, I choose U2 with all of my genderless glory! It's going to be one big-ass party with the J-bomb presiding over us and our "didn't quite make it to the top" ways. Boo-ya!

Darren said...

From an outsider looking in: wow.

I'm gonna have to leave it at that.

lizzo said...

Carrie... No words. No words. I feel mad and sad yet I am laughing. Maybe if you'd stop being so picky?? Jokes...

Emily said...

Totally echo lizzo. Mad at an institution that preaches tolerance while practicing exclusion. Mad that people who rock get condescended to simply because you haven't employed biology. Sad that someone awesome feels like they're worthless just because sperm hasn't met egg. And yet, laughing at the imagery, totally know what you are talking about! You think the single ladies clause is bad? Try the divorced ladies clause, or the married to a nonmember clause!

Anonymous said...

I use to be able to sign in.... This is JJP in Mexico.

Your blog is good for me. I know I am a guy so it is different, but I relate whether I am suppose to or not. I have for sure heard the single therapist comment from LDS "friends." I was reading my journal not long ago where I talked about my "feats of strength" of going to church and making it through without hating myself. I still love the church and get why you continuing going. I am not even sure why I do not. Did I already tell you to write a book or make this into a book? Probably, because I am bossy that way. I wish you had come this summer. It would have been fun to have the live version.

angela said...

i'm so sorry that the place that should feel like a source of spiritual support has been so frustratingly disappointing.

for what it's worth, your ability to be Amazingly Sarcastic And Funny *AND* Genuinely Generous And Kind at the same time is inspiring to be around.

forget wanting to be more like married people, i want to be more like you. <3

hang in there; you are perfect just the way you are.

The Book Goddess said...

Rock the Mass, Carrie! It will do you oodles of good! I agree with so many of the above comments that I just want to applaud them all. You have some fantabulous followers! And I applaud you for your amazing ability to analyze yourself and for your wowza writing skilz!

Tyler Young said...

Haha LDSLinkup?? Do you have facebook? is my profile. You can send me a message there.

Anonymous said...

Just stumbled across your blog.
posts like this make me so sad.. why do you have to be beat up like that? Jesus doesn't put all that pressure on you - the religion does.

You don't need to be married to 'earn' anything eternal, it confuses me.. I don't mean to offend you, I just feel trapped even reading your words never mind living these experiences :(


Carrie said...


You don't offend. One day I'll learn to let the religion part go and just embrace the's just harder for me to do than I think it should be.


herpos derpos said...

Hard to do? Here's why I don't believe that for one second.

After reading your blogs, I've never, not once, got the impression you liked being [mormon] or [involved with mormonism]. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mormon either, just sayin. You've always made fun of them or talked negatively about the mormons, lol.

Right now, I honestly believe you are either [going] or [pretending to go] to mormon meetings just so you'll have something to make fun of. Which I guess I can't blame you if that's true, since you seem to have no trouble whatsoever making fun of them, given your numerous lengthy posts, and numerous "followers". But alas, pretending to be attached is all part of the entertainment, so rock on I guess.