Thursday, September 29, 2011

More Stolen Material

I'm still out of my own material so once again I'm borrowing from a friend.  I love her life!

Here's the reality:  when you're an over 30 single LDS female there really aren't a lot of options as far as dating goes.  And when your geographically isolated your odds of finding someone to date, who meets ye ol' Mormon culture standard, is right up there with finding the face of the Virgin Mary burned into your morning toast.  Not saying it can't just falls into the "miracle" category when it does.

Luckily ladies my age do have the advantage of technological advances in dating, a.k.a. the internet.  Now I personally LOVE it after I meet someone and go through the typical round of questions ("nope, not married", "nope, not dating", "nope, not lesbian", "nope, no single guys at church") and they say, "well have you ever considered one of those online dating sites?"

Well there's a novel idea I've never considered...dumb ass, it's 2011, I'm 35 and living in Midwest-hell...of course I've considered those online dating sites.  In fact over the last 10 years I've even gone as far as to JOIN a few of those online dating sites.  But let me be honest, it never turns out well.

One site that's rather popular among the LDS crowd is LDSlinkup.  We can all be honest and say that it's popular because it's free.  Free really speaks to people.

Anyway, my friend is super popular on Linkup.  She might even have one of the top 10 most viewed profiles on there.  And guys LOVE to email her.  Let me rephrase that, "there is a reason why a girl should be picky" guys LOVE to email her.  Every time I think the bottom of the Linkup barrel has contacted her, another one comes along and takes it even lower.

This week her conversation with a guy went something like this,

Him:  "So we live close to each other?"
Her:  "Yep"
Him:  "Hmmm, I think I remember flirting with you a few years ago on this site.  Want to get together and cuddle."
Her:  "Uh, I generally don't cuddle with strangers, but you could ask me out on a date."

End of correspondence.  Literally, end of correspondence.  He never emailed her back.  Sure, he is 100% go when it comes to spooning a stranger, but NOT ok with buying her a hamburger first.  What in the hell is that?  Where do these guys come from?  What mother sets out to raise a douche?  As far as I'm concerned this is a total parenting fail.  FAIL.

Want to cuddle?  That's the Mormon equivalent of a sexual proposition.  Ewwww, how violating.  Cuddly little perv probably has a lifetime subscription to some teddy bear fetish website where he can delve into his deviant fantasies about intense passionate hugs and squeezes.  Ewwwww.

One of my ex-boyfriend's father once told me that ALL men are mildly mentally retarded (he explained it as a prenatal protein wash process that literally makes men dumb).  I thought he was just trying to beef up my empathy for his clueless son.  Come to find out, I think he was really on to something.  It's the only explanation for the vast amounts of manner-less, tact-less, considerate-less, asses that stalk the internet looking for their next cuddle buddy.  Ewwwww.


Natalie said...

What a dillweed.

Anonymous said...

I can beat that, I actually had some guy ask me on line if we could "bump ugly's THEN see where the reationship took us". No shiz! Really? Not even a burger first?

Angenette said...

Bwahahah! "Bump uglies."
I had a friend share a horror story with me the other day... I meant to send it to you. Now I forgot.

Bjorge Queen said...

cuddling leads to NCMOs, which leads to floating. You're smart to stay away. ;)

Michelle said...

Hillarious! I wonder if there is some forum where Lds dipweeds like this one share their dating strategies. Seriously, who in their right mind would think spooning with a stranger is a good idea.

herpos derpos said...

Teddy bear fetish lol