Sunday, August 21, 2011

Dear Readers

First of all, I whole heartedly less than three (most) of you.  Seriously <3

How could I not?  You've given me some of THE GREATEST compliments the time someone told me I was a "wholesome bitch"...I loved that compliment so much I contemplated having it printed in vinyl and plastered over my bed in the location where numerous married Mormon's have "Love is Spoken Here".   I also thought about using it as my nickname on LDS Linkup (the dirtiest, creepiest, fawesomest, free Mormom dating site in existance).  I mean, who WOULDN'T want to hook up with "Wholesome Bitch" in ass-cold Minnesota?  Right?  Thank YOU wholesome bitch commenter.

I love it when other LDS social lepers contact me and thank me for being honest.  I'd like to thank you for being honest about me being honest.   It's like one big honest fest where wholesome bitches everywhere can come together and bask in the glory of the truth behind the truth (a.k.a. gospel doctrine).

And to all of you non-members* who have written words of encouragement, support, and the occasional, "I'm not Mormon, or single, but if I was....", you TO are the "salt of the earth"* in my book.  I hope to met you all in person one day.  Maybe we can sit down over some cupcakes and talk about the evils of coffee one day.  OH WHAT A DAY THAT WOULD BE!

And to you, Mr./Miss Tattoo Hunter who gave the most energetic compliment yet I am sending you an ass-load of warm fuzzies*.  I may double less than three you!  Not a lot makes me laugh out loud but your comment certainly did!  That's more "f**k yea"s than I've ever seen in a single paragraph.  Talk about a metaphorical bouquet of flowers!

I love my readers!!!...well most of them...

See, I also get a barrage of comments, mostly from disgruntled ex-Mormons, who think I should leave the LDS church.  Now, you may think you're offering novel advice.  I get it, you "found the light" and "personal enlightenment" and "broke free from the shackles of organized religion" and now want to spread the word to those of us blinded by strict moral codes and theological idealism.  I'm glad you found the strength to do what you felt was right for you to do.  But it's not the right thing for me to do.  Don't think I haven't had the same novel idea a bajillion times, in fact, I had it today.  But in the end, it's not what's right for me.

A couple of weeks ago while I was out for a run I thought a lot about some of your "get the hell out of there" comments.  I thought about the best way to explain why it is that I stay in a religious culture that obviously drives me insane and keeps me on the brink of suicidality most days.  The best analogy I could come up with is having a kid.  I don't have kids and most of the time I cringe when I think about having one.  I mean, first you have to deal with pregnancy and all of it's pleasantries, which include a mucous plug and a thrashed vagina.  Then once you have the baby your nipples turn into sprinklers and you spend your days alternating between vomit and poop duty.  Seriously, why in the hell would anyone want to have a kid?  They're messy and smelly and selfish and needy and time consuming and expensive and the list goes on and on and on and on.  BUT people keep telling me that it's totally worth it.  That the first smile is worth the sleepless nights and permanant stretch marks.  That their children bring them unspeakable joy and happiness.  There are two sides to everything.

That is how my relationship is with the LDS church.  Yep, there are a lot of upleasantries that I deal with on a daily basis and they are the topic of this blog.  But there is another side of the story, a side I consciously choose not to share.  So save your little fingers energy and don't tell me I'd be happier if I jumped ship and set sail on the Love Boat, because it's not something I'm willing to do. 

In fact, I say let's make a deal: I won't try and convert you to the way I think, and you won't try and convert me to the way you think.  See how easy that is?  It's what I like to call "The Plan of Laziness", no one has to do anything but let the other be however they choose to be.

If you agree to disagree, go ahead and leave me a warm little "f**k yea" and I'll send one right on back to you as a sign of how much I less than three you.


Angenette said...

Carrie, I love you. This blog and the smiles it produces reminds me of the belly laughs we shared a million years ago over eggo sundaes.

KarKar said...

Can I get f**k ya my brotha's and sista's.

Don't quit the church. You made it this bloody long...besides I hear that God starts erasing black marks when you stay dedicated. That's worth it in itself my friend.

Love you long time ~

Anonymous said...

My grandma had a little sign on her fridge for 30+ years that said, " 51% Sweetheart, 49% b**tch don't push it."
I hold her in highest regard and your blog and thoughts are right up there. Thanks for keeping it real.

From a b**tchy sweatheart.

Natalie said...

I'll miss you like crazy when I move. I'll never be able to find another friend just like you.

russ said...

Consider a trip to the islands. My dear sister found a lovely LDS gentleman on a trip to Western Samoa. Yes, this coming from a bitter, humorless post-mo. Like your blog, made me laugh.

Megan said...

But! But! But! If you don't agree with me, how do I know MY choice is valid?

Since I came - probably like the ex-mormon commenters you mention - from a link on a post-mormon forum I thought I'd chime gently in and say I've enjoyed reading your stuff, and think you're more than intelligent and self-aware enough to know what's right for you.

Know what they call unsolicited advice from strangers on the internet?


lizzo said...

I shlove you.

That's extra love. Just let it happen.

Darren said...

I think you do more to attract people to LDS than scare them away. Just to know that there is someone within the walls of the LDS church that believes critical thinking can be fun is, well, incredible!

Of course, the idea that you may be bringing folks in may scare you a bit... I'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Loved this! Way to stand up to the haters!

Erin Hanson, LMT said...

If you left, where would you get the stories full of lolz that we love so much?!

Jeff said...

Love your blog. If you left Mormonism, you'd loose all your best and funniest source material. ;) Stay sassy!

Anonymous said...

As a not married in the temple happily married (to an inactive mormon) active mormon with a child (who may or may not be damned because of my actions) I totally know what you mean. I am mostly driven crazy by what I see and hear at church by well meaning members but there is something there I keep going back for.

Keep the funny blogs coming, they make me feel better about my cynical thoughts before, during and after church.