Thursday, July 7, 2011

If I Were a Dog I'd be 245

I've never struggled with age like I have struggled with it this year.  Guess you could say that thirty-frikin'-five is kicking my ass...and my ego...and my self-esteem...and it appears that all hope has left the building.  Leaving me, and my aging self in a bit of a funk.

Ok, "bit of a funk" is a "bit of an understatement".  It's like each day is punctuated with the realization of another loss.  Every newly discovered gray hair pulls me a little deeper into the pit of despair where I wallow in procrastination and ambivalence about life.  I reached a new low today while watching an episode of The Doctors.  I had just finished eating a slice of pizza when I learned that I'm at the age where my lady parts are going to start drying out and sagging.  Exact words:  DRYING OUT and SAGGING.

Oh. My. Gosh.  Really?  Drying out and sagging?  It's going to be like witnessing the yummiest cupcake ever created grow mold and go nasty before anyone gets the pleasure of licking the frosting off.  

It totally brought me to tears and I did what any self loathing female would do...I ate 5 more slices of pizza and wallowed in despair about the fact that I can't stop time or gravity from wreaking havoc on my life or my private parts. 

Then I found out another guy I dated way back when is gay...I think that brings the grand total of "gay guys Carrie has dated" to seven.  SEVEN. 

What woman wants to live a lonely life with a saggy vag and a history of relationships with guys who really always preferred other guys?

See where this funk is going? 

I finally dragged my ass off the couch around 9:30 this evening and went for a walk.  While taking in and fully appreciating the beauty of the fireflies I started to think about life and God and what that final "Carrie, I'm sending you to earth" conversation was like.  This is how I imagine it went:

God:  "All right little lady, your time has come, I'm sending you to earth."
Me:  "Fawesome!  Where am I going?  France? Oui, oui, oui?"
God:  chuckling, "ohhhh, dear child.  No.  You're going to Idaho."
Me:  "Oh, well that will be cool...they grow potatoes there don't they?"
God:  "And I'm going to make you tall so you can reach things off of the top shelf."
Me:  "Boo-yah!  Hear that shorties?  I'm going to be TALL!"
God:  "But I'm also going to make you fat."
Me:  "Oh, well that can't be that bad...can it?"
God:  "And you're going to have depression."
Me:  "I have no idea what that is but I think I can handle it."
God:  "And your going to serve a mission when you're 21."
Me:  "Sweet ass!  Preachin' the word.  Bringing souls to Christ.  Whose got Jesus?  You got Jesus?"
-I'm pretty sure I gave God a high five at this point-
God:  "And uh, you're going to be single a really, really, really long time. BUT you'll be educated."
Me:  doing some air punches and kicks, "Ain't no thang.  This whole earth this is pretty short anyway, right?  I mean..."
God:  "Op, looks like it's time for you leave.  Good luck."
-end of conversation-

What He failed to say was that being a 30-something single Mormon girl was totally going to blow.  I doubt there was a, "and you're going to cry every Sunday when you realize you're the only woman at church your age without kids".  And He probably didn't say, "some days the loneliness will feel so overwhelming you're going to feel like imploding, but don't worry, I won't let you".  And something tells me there wasn't a "and your lady parts are going to melt off like the Nazis' faces in Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark and eventually the rest of you will melt off too and then you'll be too ugly to look at and the only guys who will date you will be the guys who are really just using you to cover up the fact that they're in love with other guys".

I'm sure there was some anecdotal statements about "finding joy in the journey" and "embracing the trials" and "letting your light shine" and "all in my time", blah, blah, blah, blah.  NONE of which are going to make 35 seem any less torturous.

I think this is the point where people give up the good fight and just start drinking. 


Dave said...

Carrie, you are far from fat, dry and/or saggy. You rock to a shockingly high degree on all levels, and I'm baffled as to why you aren't beating the straight guys off with a stick.

Jenny Faires said...

You made me laugh pretty hard there at the end. But seriously, in all the time I have known you and it has been almost fourteen years now if you can believe it, you have NEVER been fat. I am sorry that it sucks so much to be single and LDS. But, small consolation I know,I love you and think you are fabulous and all those men who have passed you by will have to answer to God one day for it. I am sorry I can not fix it.

Jenny P said...

I love you, saggy who-ha or not.

PS. The drinking point for me came early!

KarKar said...

At least look at it as.. your who-ha could be sagging, but at least it hasn't been shredded beyond recognition bringing a child into the world that you threaten during every sacrament to be quiet or you are going to rip their finger nails off AND make them eat them.

I'm just sayin'...

Carrie said...

KarKar, that is EXACTLY the alternate perspective I've been looking for. Thank you!

Darren said...

Do you ever read a blog - say, from someone who lives far away from you whom you've never met and likely never will - and try to assemble a mental picture of who they REALLY are (of which an actual picture is only a piece of)? I've been reading your blog for a relatively short time now and, while you are funny as hell, you make a very confusing mental persona.

Is that what you're aiming for?

Carrie said...

Darren, I'm not sure what "confusing mental persona" means. More information please.

Depending on what "confusing mental persona" means I may or may not be aiming for that. Truth be known I aim for transparency. I say it how I see it and how I feel it; but the head and the heart don't always agree...maybe that's the "confusing" part.

Darren said...

It's probably related to your copious volumes of self-deprecating humor. From your writing you sound - how to put this without sounding icky - amazing. I wish I lived where you live just to count you as a friend. You sound funny, intelligent, and someone I would want to go to parties with. OK, given your LDS link there are probably some parties that I go to that you might not - but that's another story. In short, you write like a beautiful person.

Then I read comments from folks who appear to know you, and they are invariably glowing about you - "your awesome", "amazing", "beautiful", etc.

Then I see pictures of you. Frankly, if I were in a position to do so (geographically, temporally, maritally), I would not hesitate to approach you and offer to buy you a drink (although, given your LDS background... but I digress).

I also understand that you are smart and educated, and becoming more so (what are you studying, by the way?).

Yet you refer to yourself as fat, and suggest that the probability of a long-term relationship with a meaningful other (male, HETERO-sexual) is a fleeting as an Ivory Billed Woodpecker sighting in Arkansas - maybe even less likely.

Are all the guys you know androgynous? Have they had certain hormone producing organs removed? Have they suffered brain damage? Are you trying to find a good guy at your local convent?

Something doesn't add up. Unless you have an extra appendage growing out of your forehead...? Have you ever been at a bar with one of your previous "gentlemen" and had another guy look confused? He may have been thinking, "Hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend..."

And so, I shall remain confused, and enjoy ready your wit.

I'll shut up now...

Carrie said...

Dear Darren,

You might be surprised to see me at some parties. I mean, sex toy parties never get old, especially for a sexually frustrated, ridiculously moral girl like myself. And I was a fat kid. I was in grade school when Refrigerator Perry was all the rage. Let's just say that Refrigerator Carrie didn't get the same respect.

You fully captured my own private Ivory Billed Woodpecker problem. I don't know how familiar you are with the LDS world but it's kind of like this: If all the world were a dating pool it would be an ocean full of plenty of fish. If you're LDS there's a lake full of more girl fish than boy fish. And once you're over 25 you're pretty much down to a puddle...and all the fish have whirling disease.

So part of the issue is mathematical. There really aren't that many LDS guys to date once you hit my age. And the majority of non-LDS guys won't even entertain the idea of dating an LDS girl (usually the no sex before marriage thing sends em'a runnin').

It's quite the quagmire that tends to suck me in pretty tightly at times.

Now if all I wanted was a husband and some kids I'm pretty sure I could figure out how to get them. But I want a marriage, a good one (heaven knows I work with my share of bad ones). So the number of available guys + desire for decent relationship = Carrie's still single.

...and I wish a guy would just come up to me in a bar and kiss me...that would be kind of awesome.

Darren said...

I admit to coming from a religious-judaeo-christian-don't-dance-don't-drink background myself, but not LDS, so I can't say I'm fully conversant on the ins and outs, but I do get your meaning on the dating pool depletion problem. As a guy, I sort of cheated... while I got older, the pool didn't shrink as much, since some women actually find guys with a few more miles on them attractive. I have no idea why, but I am thankful.

And kudos to you for hanging in there for a real-deal marriage. The only encouragement I can offer is that I know a couple of folks (he's a buddy of mine from grad school) who landed with a lady of similar vintage (older than you and I) when NO ONE thought it would ever happen. Hope does exist. I hope you find that guy in the bar some day.

If I'm ever in your neck of the woods, at a bar, and I see someone who could be you, I'll just walk up and kiss her for the fun of it.

In the event that that random girl ISN'T you... I'll play it safe and run like hell either way.

Bjorge Queen said...

God: My child, you will be born just outside of Paris.
Carrie: Paris France! I'm so excited!
God: Well...

Bonfire said...

stumbled on to your blog somehow... i'm 33 and single and i have one thing to say. leave the church. once you do, and get away from the grip it has on you, you will experience happiness like you never thought possible. i'm talking about true, freeing, think for yourself happiness. best decision i ever made.

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herpos derpos said...

(All those previous "removed by author posts was me, there's no stinkin' edit post button! Anyways...)

Ya'll may wanna getcha a snack and a dr. pepper(or is a drink considered part of the snack...?) for this'n: it's a bit of a doozy.

This post is responding to Mrs. Carrie.

First off, please correct me if I am assuming anything or make any confusing statements. I am not here to say that my opinion is the end-all-be-all law(l), and I try to be very open minded to suggestions and replies, different or similar.

Secondly, Carrie, you are a total BABE and all those other alleged suitors you had are freaking ***retarded*** for leaving you! And yes, all 7 of them. I know it sounds absurd to the average joe(or carrie:3), but bear with me cuz I have an awesome reason that those gay ass-clowns(google says this word has a hyphen, who knew) would never admit to: It's all cuz they weren't men enough to treat you right. And I mean that 100%.

Thirdly, about religion. The elephant in the room.

In my opinion, and I know you probably don't wanna hear this since most "religious" folks have been religious since they were kids and do not want to hear anything negative about it. I think the problem is the religious bubble.

Now before ya get yer panties in a bunch, I ain't sayin' to totally drop your religion. I'm also not a hardcore anti-religious person, but I just think sometimes religion can make us feel so restrained, like we can't do anything w/o getting sent to hell. It could either be because we do in fact believe a religion that is very strict, or because we believe a religion is more strict than it actually is.

About marriage:
Having a good husband as you put it, **has absolutely nothing to do with religion**. There's this thing, called agreeing to disagree. You don't have to like or hate everything your spouse likes or hates. I'm mostly referring to having the same religion or beliefs. In fact, not being the same is what makes the relationship more interesting, and hence life is more interesting, especially since you'll be with this person the rest of your life...which leads me to my next point.

Question about "hanging out":
How is hanging out something that send you to hell? Why is it so bad?
This, coupled with the dating um, "concept", seems to imply that you're not allowed to have friends, and you have to get married(or else you go to hell..?). It sounds like I am hitting the nail on the head, because you then mention that going on dates is nerve wracking.

I would be extremely nervous too if I felt like I was being forced to date. I'd be wondering the entire time "Is this something you'd do while dating? Crap it wasn't I've already messed up, now he hates me blah blah negative negative etc"

You don't have to be married to be happy! You really don't. There's a reason your 1040 has more than the "filing jointly" option, just as an example. You are an adult, and you can take care of yourself without being married. There, I said it. There's nothing wrong with having good friends or hobbies or a good career instead. I can see why you might feel as though you do have to be married, especially since it seems like all church ladies are married, as though they're all pretending being single is impossible. But there's nothing or no one forcing you to be like any certain individual or group of people.

It's easier to fit in that it is to be different. Less thinking involved. At the same time, balance this fact out with the other fact that different isn't always "better".

What it boils down to, is: Don't go thinking you're a bad person or wrong just because you are different from other people. It's not wrong, it's just different. Different is interesting. Life is full of things that will never change, why add to the bunch! :) Peace out, Love ya