Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Happy "Too Bad You're Eggs Have All Gone to Waste" Day

I grew up with a mother that hated Mother's Day. Every year it was the same thing: a Sunday full of patronizing speeches given by chauvinistic potato farmers about the "beauty" and "calling" of being an "upright moral woman of God" (a.k.a. "keep up the good work cooking, cleaning, and birthing additional farmhands"), a *special musical number by the *primary (50 off-tune kids all clad in handmade dresses and ties belting out a wretched rendition of "Mother Dear I Love You So"), and then the worst part of all, the gift from the *ward: a geranium. Every year without fail, my mom would pitch a fit about that damn geranium. For whatever reason she found the geranium to be a serious insult. She said that if men had 1/2 a brain they would know that what a woman needs is a candy bar, not one more thing to care for.

Well the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I also hate Mother's Day. It's worse than Valentine's Day. The church has no idea what to do with a childless 30-something single female sitting in a room full of mothers. So they throw out the blanket statement that in one way or another "every woman is a mother". Listen folks, I've never pushed anything out of my vagina. I've never gotten up at 3am to feed anyone but myself. I've never cleaned up poop or vomit, nor have I ever used my shirt as a kleenex. I AM NOT A MOTHER. And I'm fine with that (most of the time).

Let's be honest, there are a lot of perks to not being a mother. I eat ice cream and cookies for breakfast, I go to bed when I want and sleep in on weekends, I can watch R-rated movies and swear like a pirate and the only one I'm corrupting is myself. It's great. No toys to pick up, no sippy cups cluttering up my kitchen, no smarmy kids music playing in the background. My life is enviable in a lot of ways.

So, I'm totally fine celebrating those who have sacrificed their bodies and beauty rest for the sake of perpetuating the human race. Moms deserve a day, or a medal, or a vacation to some exotic place sans kids. But what I am NOT ok with are insulting statements and dismissive looks when I say that I do not want to be recognized as a mother, and I do not want a flower or a candy bar or anything else that they might be handing out that day. It would be a lot less uncomfortable for me and single ladies everywhere if we could all just be honest with the fact that single women exist in the Mormon world. And it would be even better if we allotted cultural value to single's as well. It really is time we move beyond the "one life fits all" mentality and embrace differences.

So let's celebrate Mother's Day...for mothers. And hell, if we really want to get zanny we could follow the Catholics and celebrate virgins as well. Because if anyone deserves a round of applause and a box of chocolates it's a 30-something-year-old virgin.

8 comments:

Amy said...

A-freakin'-MEN!!!

athyM said...

As usual, perfectly said!

Deb said...

Like!

Ems said...

Holla on the day for 30-something virgins!!! I'd like a medal for that, please.

Anonymous said...

Hell ya...well said! Laughing so hard.

soybeanlover said...

Friend of a friend of a friend. Amen! Your mom was spot on too. Seriously don't need another thing to throw out.

Armelle said...

Can I just state the obvious and say that your mom is a fabulous lady and you sure take it from her?
I don't believe in Mother's Day anyway, we call it Flower Shop Day in my family :)

hooli said...

You are incredibly funny. My mother hates mother's day, as well. she hated the part in church where they would ask mothers to stay standing as they would count. You were to stay standing for the number of kids you had. And believe me there were still mothers standing when they got to 13.