Sunday, April 3, 2011

"Oh yea losers of the church..."

This past weekend was General Conference*. I love GC.

Now, if you're living right it's kind of like a spiritual love fest where there's generally armloads of warm fuzzies being thrown from the pulpit and after 8 hours of listening to the prophet* and his posse* one tends to feel totally uplifted*. But if your feet are dragging off the side of the wagon or the Great and Spacious Building* is starting to look super tempting, then it's more of a "coming to Jesus" type of experience and you can walk away with a laundry list of things you need to repent for (like swearing and wishing death on people).

This is typically how GC goes: good talk, good talk, Mormon Tabernacle Choir, good talk, smarmy female talk that makes you want to claw your eyes out, more choir...etc. And you can rest assured that at some point you're going to get this:
Someone who stares dead into the camera and bores holes into your soul with an intensity that makes your skin crawl. Doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing, all of a sudden the room will start to slightly spin and you'll begin to feel really bad about yourself. Now, I'm NOT quoting verbatim but this is generally how this talk goes:

"Oh ye losers of the church. Get off your asses and get married. Have babies. Men, suck it up, stop playing around, turn off the pornography and grow a pair. That mousy girl you walk by during church is a *special spirit and beloved daughter of God, and she needs a husband, so stop being picky and take her hand in marriage. Women, stop complaining. If you're not married: stop focusing on your career and make yourself dateable, no one likes an unpainted fence..."

It's usually a very excruciating 10 minutes.

But this year I decided to skip those talks, so at the slightest mention of marriage or dating or kids or family I tuned out...which greatly reduced the amount of GC I actually ended up watching. It was kind of enjoyable.

Instead of paying attention like I'd lie and tell my Sunday School class I did, I chilled out on Facebook IM-ing various potential suitors. I was chit-chatting with one in hot guy in California, discussing the guilt provoking talk(s) when in two words he summed up my problem. He said told me that I'm "Geographically Undesirable".Now I've been called a lot of things but never have I been called something so flattering and truthful and disturbing all at the same time. So maybe my singledom isn't a result of my extreme quirkiness, or bad attitude, or the fact that I tend to date guys with a latent gay gene, it's Minnesota's fault. Damn this state and their 10,000 lakes!

...wonder what my problem/excuse was when I lived in Utah.


Anonymous said...

You are so funny and so true... 000I...HAD To listen because my religious brother and jackie were here...LOVE YA .....MA......



lizzo said...

Mainly it's the men in Utah. They are not geographically undesirable, they are just plain undesirable.

Phoenix Rising said...

I guess that's my problem sunny, Mormon overrun, AZ!!! Heaven forbid it should be anything wrong with me personally. I'm soooooo relieved!

Anonymous said...

Love your blog. You are real, and real is HARD to find. I read old posts and was laughing so hard I was wiping my eyes.

Ames said...

GOOD HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That visual aid couldn't be better! You're plain genius and I know you're not even're just being you!

Dave said...

I just got called geographically undesirable by a girl in Portland with no chance of having read your blog, and the first thing I had to do is post this!