Considering I'm a Hanson it really is a small miracle that I made it almost 3 months in my new calling* before sharing a totally inappropriate story at a totally inappropriate time. First let me set the stage by saying that it was my turn to teach the Sunday lesson to the 12 and 13-year-old girls. And as is customary in my life, I was assigned one of the most wretched topics on the planet: Becoming an Eternal Companion*. For those not of the LDS persuasion let me translate that for you. "Becoming an eternal companion" (or EC) is Mormoneese for "Real winners get married". Now considering I'm the only never been-married-female over the age of 23 in the ward*, I am obviously NOT the person to teach that lesson...or maybe I am, but it would have been kind of hard to fill 30 minutes with my simple suggestion of, "don't do what I did, which was follow all of the stupid suggestions I learned in young women". That would NOT have been a testimony* builder.
So, I decided to resurrect my New Year's resolution of saying "no" to things I really don't want to do and I said "no. nope. not going to happen". I didn't even give the other leaders the choice to argue. So I got out of teaching, but I wasn't able to get out of attending. I entered the class with a deep sense of dread and insecurity. Even sitting in a room full of 12/13-year-olds I felt like one of the biggest losers. That's about the time when I blacked out (metaphorically, not literally).
Now I'm not really sure what happened or how it got started but when I came to I found myself sharing a story from my mission*. You would think that all mission stories would be appropriate for church...as did I, until I heard myself say the word "testicle". Yes, I said the word "testicle" to a room full of doe-eyed, blank faced, naive girls in the middle of church right before a lesson on becoming a wife.
Now in my defense I've spent a lot of time doing therapy with 12 and 13-year-old girls, and 99.9% of them were sexting and sneaking out at night to get drunk. I'm pretty sure my blank brain figured that all young teenagers were aware of what testicles were and would appreciate a good testicle story.
And neither were their parents. Because nothing destroys a nice family dinner like asking your teenager what they learned in church only to have them reply, "what's a testicle?".
But remember, I did warn them. I told them that I was NOT the right person for the job, and Sunday they learned why....
My fingers are crossed that they release* me soon...before I do any more damage to those sweet little minds.