Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Day FULL of Bad Ideas!

The above photo has nothing to do with this post...but seriously?  How awesome is it that someone made an entire nativity set out of balloons?  Unparalleled brilliance...although I wonder why the angel is blond while everyone else has Asian sumo that part DOES have to do with this post...

So my church calling* puts me in charge of all of the Relief Society* activities.  Meaning I, Little Miss Anti-Social Bad Attitude, has to plan oodles and oodles of feel good fun for all of the sisters*.  There are numerous reasons why this was a super bad idea on the bishops* part.

#1.  I hate Relief Society activities
#2.  My idea of a "good" activity would include a pole and a guest lecturer on the importance of kegles and maintaining a tight pelvic floor
#3.  The book of the month club would start by reading "The Art of the Female Orgasm" 

Now, does any of the above even remotely suggest that I am the right person for the job?  NO.  The person they want clips coupons and doesn't know people have sex for fun.  The person they want has memorized endless scriptures and thinks an ass is a donkey-like horse.  I AM NOT THE PERSON FOR THE JOB.

So tonight, at the oodles and oodles of feel good Christmas party I had to put together, I spent two hours secretly maintaining my pelvic floor while everyone else chit-chatted about their kids, and PTA, and swapped homemade Christmas gift ideas.  And during the "new to you" white elephant give exchange I sat in silence, because every time someone opened up a box, pulled out an item, and said, "I'm not sure what it does", I wanted to say "YOU PUT YOUR WEEEEEEED IN THERE".  But I knew no one would get it...just like they didn't get it when I said "Alphadiction (some lame letter game)!  The only addiction sanctioned by the church"...nor did I get a laugh when I handed a lady a small wooden nativity set and said, "make sure you tell your kids that this set isn't ethnically correct.  Jesus wasn't blond.  I'm pretty sure an Aryan carved that."

Not a single giggle.  Not a smirk.  Nothing.

So I went back to pumping out kegals and keeping my mouth shut till everyone left and I was able to suck the Christmas cheer up with the industrial vacuum and return home...where I found this in my inbox (sent by the same bishop who put me in charge of the RS activities):
ALL DIVORCES MUST BE FINAL????!!!?!?!?!  Who in the hell needs to be told that?  Do you have to show the official decree of marital absolution? 

I'm sorry folks, but that deserves a "holy shit" followed by a "hells no" followed by 1/2 a bag of Mexican flavored shredded cheese (yep, that's what the bag says, 'Mexican' flavored, makes me giggle every time I read it).  Anyway, here is the email I sent back to the bishop:

"Dear Brother .......,

My life is depressing enough...please don't send me things like this.  My friend dragged me to the Valentine's dance last year and it was the longest 5 minutes of my life.  I had a total traumatic flashback to 7th grade where they put a microphone up to the tape recorder and played Endless Love while large groups of awkward girls swayed with imaginary partners. 30+ single LDS parties are the equivalent to the Catholic's purgatory, except there's more blue eye shadow and you can't numb the pain with alcohol.  I shared the 5 minute experience with my therapist and he suggested that I change religions.

For my own spiritual safety, it's best you remove me from the 30+ single's mailing list...or I might harm myself.



I think it's time I just embrace it...the church has officially been sent to the Land of the Misfit Toys.


Cathy Mc said...

Apparently, LDS have NO sense of humor!!!! WTF!!!!! In this day and age, it's all we have left (she said)!!!!!!!

Looori said...

Did I just read something about "Jeans to Glizzy"? Sorry but "glizzy" sounds like another word that sounds like a certain something that men ... oh gosh I can't even say it on here. I'm so glad you'll be here for New Years Eve AKA you're birthday! And don't you worry, all divorces don't have to be final here, and church dress standards don't have to be followed!


Andy said...

Imagine a married member in your ward getting this from the bishop by mistake, reading that all divorces must be final, thinking "well if the bishop says it I better obey, I need to call my lawyer quick, I'd better hurry if I'm going to wear my glizzy dress to the party."


Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

I've always referred to it as the Freak Show, I like Land of the Misfit Toys better.

My bishop suggested I go to something like this once. After recieving the death glare he never brought it up again.

Armelle said...

BTW, my husband wanted to know how our pole dancing was going ;)

Claire said...

I was planning on inviting you to the big Singles event. Is that a No?