So I took a new angle. "Alright," I said, "I'll say yes. But ONLY if I can use tithe dollars to take the girls skydiving as part of a lesson on faith."
I knew I had his attention the moment the smile faded from his face and his chipper voice started to waiver as he stammered, "uh...I...uh."
I really thought I had him backed into the corner. Between my love of swearing and Catholic boys I was pretty sure he's take back the offer once he realized the type of harm I'd REALLY like to put those fresh face girls in. But he stood his ground.
So I left his office, in shock, and with a promise that if I still loved swearing and Catholic boys more than I loved working with those sweet teenage spirits, that we could renegotiate in three months. THREE MONTHS???? The man obviously doesn't know the kind of lasting damage I can do in THREE months.
Sure, I can teach them to bake and sew and how to crochet (the same evil tools I used on Andrea Merrill). Hell, I could probably teach them how to build a cabin out of toothpicks and duct tape if I had to. There's not a lot I can't teach. BUT, what in the hell am I going to do when we get to that horrible, horrible YW lesson on chastity?
For those of you who aren't fortunate enough to know the rules of engagement in the Mormon dating world let me give you a little lesson:
- No dating till you're 16, even then it's only double or group dates until you're 18
- Girls who wear tight shirts are only liked for one thing...their boobs...because boys are weak-minded and can't control themselves, therefore it is the girls responsibility to make sure she emanates modesty and self-respect. Because while boys like boobs, they love girls who make good wife material more
- Only whores kiss on the first date
She asked me, the fat kid, if I wanted to have the beautifully decorated cupcake. Of course I did! Then she licked it and asked me if I still wanted it. I was a fat kid, of course I wanted it! But I said no, because I didn't want to f' up her twisted object lesson and end up back in the bishop's office being accused of fornication. She then said that girls who did bad things with boys were like licked cupcakes, and no one wants a licked cupcake (except maybe me and my sugar addiction).
So at the age of 12, 13, 14, 15...I kind of got the point. But now I'm 35, and I'm still expected to live by the same rules. Now, as far as I know, my cupcake has never been licked, but rules 2 & 3 went out the window two decades ago. God gave me boobs, and if they and their favorite tight T are going to get me free dinner every Friday night, then I'm going to let them. Hell, we can even kiss on the first date. Me an my precious cupcake are on the verge of exploding in total and complete whoredom. That's just the frustrated reality I live in.
Or worse. How about the camel story? You know, the one where the sultan and his camel are walking through the desert when a sandstorm hits. And the camel wants to come into the sultan's tent but there isn't room for the both of them. So the camel asks if he can just put his nose in, and the sultan says yes. Then the next thing you know the camel is in the tent and the sultan has been buried alive by sand. Moral of the story: don't go letting camels put their noses into your tent.
Really? This is the type of cryptic shiz we teach our future women in the hopes that they will "get the drift" and keep their cupcakes clean and their tents nose free?
AHHHHHHH! I can't do it. I can't teach body shame. I can't teach relationship shame. I can't pass on what was passed to me.
If it were up to me I'd teach them that sex is suppose to feel good. That's the way God intended it to be. I'd teach that they don't have to be ashamed of their bodies. That they are only accountable for themselves, NOT for what the boy sitting next to them does or thinks. I would tell them to dress and act appropriately, but not so they can keep their date in line, but because they respect themselves. I'd teach them that their bodies are their own and that to love and treat them well, to protect them. And I'd teach them that sometimes people mess up, sometimes things happen. But that doesn't make someone trash, or less of a person. I'd teach them that God knows we're bound to mess up, that's why he set up that awesome repentance program. I'd teach them balance and health.
But it's not my church. And I don't get to say what's taught or not taught.
All I know is that I plan on having a meeting with the parents of the girls that I teach. I will tell them how I feel about the ambiguous lessons and guilt. I will tell them about reality, that their child's classmates are giving each other blow jobs during lunch break. That we no longer live in a time when we can have the luxury of ignoring what's happening around us. That I CANNOT and WILL NOT, endorse the fluffy-mumbo-jumbo that the LDS culture is known for.
I will be honest...and then I'll pass around a petition for them to sign asking the bishop to have me released.