Monday, November 29, 2010


I'm not proud of it...but I've been perusing eHarmony.  I fork out the cash every couple of years to see who ye ol' computer thinks I'm compatible with.  Here's the thing, if I say that I'm an LDSer looking for only LDSers I am matchless...if I say I'm an LDSer looking for anyone I'll be flooded with matches...when I say I'm an LDSer and have standards this is who I get (let's call him Lenny):

Lenny's Basic Information
Occupation:  farmer (I won't lie from age 5-19 my biggest dream in life was to marry a farmer, eHarmony got that one correct
Age:  38 (I'm ok with that)
Height:  6' 4" (about a foot taller than most guys I date but I'm ok with it)
Wants kids:  yes (cool)
Kids at Home:  No (perfect)
Religion: Christian (well at least we can bond over the J-love)
Drinks:  Never (mom will like that)
Smokes:  Never (excellent organ donor material)

So far, so good right?  Well let's see what else Lenny has that eHarmony thinks makes us compatible (taken directly from his profile)...

The most influential person in my life has been: Dad (that's a respectable answer...but he probably could have expounded a wee bit)

The three things which I am most thankful for:

F words...all F words.  If I've learned anything over the last 18 years of dating is that guys who are only thankful for F words are only after one thing...more F words.  eHarmony is starting to lose me at this point...because no where on my list of "must haves" are the F words farming or football...

Three of my best life-skills are:
Using humor to make friends laugh (a funny farmer?  Isn't that an oxymoron?)
Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis  (like when your hand gets caught in the baler?)
Managing my finances  (RED FLAG:  this is code for "super cheap"...and I am NOT the type of girl who wants a 1/2 a beef for my anniversary.  I don't care how cost effective that may be)

The Things I can't live without are:  (this is where I really start to lose interest)
-My John Deere equipment (seriously?  He could have said oxygen, love, world peace, etc...but his John Deere equipment makes the top of the list?  Oh hell.  Just what every girl be lumped AFTER the tractor on her guy's list of favorite things)
-Ipod (he likes music, thumbs up)
-TV (he lists two forms of media, thumbs down)
Lets be honest, "microwave" + "bed" = the guy doesn't believe in foreplay...two thumbs down

The first thing people notice about me:
My manners
(really?  The first thing I noticed was the FOUR rifles hanging above him in the photo of him standing in front of his fire place...)

Some additional information I want you to know:
I'm not a gigolo...
(whew...the ONLY way he could have impressed me MORE is if he'd said, "I'm not a sex offender")
My interests
I typically spend my leisure time:
I used to really like watching the Vikings, the Gopher football games, and my fantasy football team, but this year all 3 stink...Maybe Gopher wrestling and basketball can cheer me up.  I also took up golf 3 years ago, but I'm terrible at it.

Gopher wrestling?  That would cheer me up too, I love it when rodents get down and dirty with each other. 

The last book I read and enjoyed:
I haven't read a book since I was in college as SDSU.

First, I don't think anyone should admit they went to SDSU, and even if you don't read, LIE.  Seriously, list Green Eggs and Ham or Hank the Cowdog or SOMETHING, ANYTHING. 

While I'm sure Lenny is extra awesome when he's not sucking at golf, I fail to see what makes us compatible.  Ok, so we share sobriety and a belief in the Bible...for some crazy reason I always thought complicated computerized soul mate match-ups required a bit more criteria...I mean, at least give me someone who reads!


Sharon said...

You are soooooo damn picky! HAHAHAHA! I started laughing out loud at this at work. People stared. And it reminded me of my pathetic im conversation with Lenny's cousin last night on a date site that shall not be named, but is free. Seriously...

Angenette said...

If you marry this guy, can I have the half beef he gets you for your anniversary?

Angenette said...

If you marry this guy, can I have the half beef he gets you for your anniversary?

Cathy McGriff said...

I'll take the other half, Angenette!

Seriously, Carrie - the Gopher wrestling comment? Too funny! ;-)

Steve said...

Two things: 1. What's wrong with football? 2. "Using humor to make friends laugh" seems like a waste of talents. Using humor to make friends and/or enemies cry, on the other hand, seems like a more marketable skill to me.

Rita said...

OMG....I think I met Lenny on another site last night. I was on eharmony for awhile a few years ago. They told me I had to lower my standards a bit, they couldn't match me. LOL imagine that. Honestly I am doing no better myself. Sometimes a half a beef kind of guy sounds safe and reliable, although he sounds pretty serious about his John Deere's and I am more of an International Harvestor girl. (I like the red)....Can I have his number?

Armelle said...

Forget about the farmer bit, that's just ridiculous. Then you can take out the John Deere line, and there you have your typical guy.
Ok, apart from SDSU.

Sarah said...

EHarmony is an expensive joke!

A Therapist's Chair on the Zocalo said...

Ok. I admit it. I am Lenny. I just changed a few details to protect my privacy.

The word verification word below is "Waing"