Monday, October 4, 2010

Welcome to the Leper Colony!

Two Cats and a Wind Chime is proud to introduce it's first guest contributor:  Natalie!
Natalie comes to us from warm and sunny Minnesota and is sharing an email that she recently received from an eligible LDSlinkup bachelor.  

I'm going to preface Natalie's contribution by saying that I'm sure you've all heard the saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea", but when you're LDS you're relegated to a lake...and by the time you're 30-something the lake has shrunk to a pond...and all of the fish in the pond have whirling disease, case in point (my comments are in blue, Natalie's favorite parts have been bolded):  

How are you doing?I hope you get this mail and it finds you well.I was glancing through profiles when your gorgeous picture got me attracted while your lovely words had me write
I really was marveled reading your profile and i enjoyed doing so.The first thing that came to my mind when i saw your picture was..''re drop dead Gorgeous, i thought I'll take out time to introduce myself.  (Natalie does this to a lot of guys)

I'm JARED OLEN CLEMENTINE (I changed his name but not how he screamed it) 30years 5'7 160lbs
black hairs (this actually made me gag when I read it, 160lbs of black "hairs"?  Who is he?  Sasquatch?),blue eyes.Originally from Australia but i grew up in USA based on my Dads Job (and American is his second language..."Dads Job" might be considered a proper non-possessive noun in Australia but it sure isn't here) and thats were i live now .I am a Widower with one son and i will love to have more Kids someday,was born by a British woman (I was born by an Idahoan) from London,UK (glad he clarified where London was) with a white man (oh gosh, he totally said that) from Australia.they met in Georgia and they decided to get married,i stayed with mom in GA NOR-CROSS cos (eee-gads!  why is he yelling "GA NOR-CROSS"?  I don't even know what that means!  Probably "cos" I'm not from Georgia but I was born of a white man) my Dad divorced her when i was 15 years and things are hard for her.I have an excellent career and have taken care of myself since I went off to college. I have a Bachelors and Masters Degree. I went to Arkansas State university (all of a sudden it's starting to make sense) and majored in engineering.I receive the most compliments on my eyes (blue), legs (shapely/muscular)  (seriously?  When was the last time woman looked at a guy and said, "hey, I dig your shapely/muscular legs"?)  and my thoughtfulness (very). I consider myself very versatile and I have to be because I have friends and business associates of all races, ages and socio-economic backgrounds (versatile?  now there's something I've never seen associated with friends, races, ages, etc....). I'm very laid-back and down-to-earth. I'm also very old-fashioned when it comes to my respect and treatment of women...As for my hobbies...Hhhh
Like camping,fishing,golf,watching movies,not much into sports but also do the side thing (what side thing??? I'm scared) like spending time with loved ones,
i don't smoke and i don't drink (or care about grammar) ,I love to travel and have been fortunate enough to see many countries throughout the world.i have been to France ,Italy,Hawaii,Basel and Brazil. (I also LOVE the country of Hawaii) There are many more countries I'd like to visit and I'm slowly checking them off my list (wonder if Wyoming is on his country list).I enjoy participating in a variety of sports such as triathlons ( I have completed 3 Iron-man Triathlons)  so of course swimming, cycling, running...water and snow skiing (I hear skiing is impeccable in GA NOR-CROSS), snow shoeing, hiking, golf, tennis, hockey and I'm back in the gym. .I really don't have much time for the common 'traditional divorced scene' but thought i'ld give it a try (since when did meeting people online become the "traditional" divorce scene?),besides, i have a few friends who have had good experiences.I'm an honest and straight forward man not into playing games (or grammar).

I am presently in west Africa Nigeria the last 2 days
(I honestly thought he was going to say "and I was robbed and need someone to send me $4,000 to get me out of jail, please wire the money to...),,,due to my license so i can buy and sell oil all over the USA and globally (what kind of oil?  Massage?  Corn?  Peanut?  The options are endless.) ,,,I'm willing to relocate for the right woman..Seeking a woman with the entire provable package beauty and morals (I wonder how a girl can prove her package to a man like Jared, born of a British woman and a white man).With self respect,understanding caring heart and not into games.Looking for a serious woman to settle with spend the rest of my life with,would take things easy but if sparks fly,then so be it (well if this email doesn't make the sparks fly I don't know what will!).a woman that can make me happy.. 

WHIRLING DISEASE!  There is a reason I bailed out of the LDS pond and started wading in the Catholic pool.  All I can say is "good luck Natalie, let us know how it turns out".


Wyatt Brown said...

Dear Natalie,

I am full of lies. My legs are neither shapely nor muscular and, alas, my hairs are not black. I am very lonely as I'm actually eastern European and the American women don't seem to understand my propensity for sweaters, socks with sandals, turtlenecks, and disdain for deodorant.

I can tell by your picture that you're too good for me, but I am going to email you anyway and just not mention how hairy my ears are. I also make socially unacceptable comments in crowds and am willing to disregard the Gospel for the right woman.

I don't actually have any children--nor will I ever because of my disregard for showering daily and other forms of basic hygiene--but I assume that since you're over 30 that you might in some way be damaged enough to want to go to dinner with me. I would gladly take you for granted and treat you like garbage for all eternity should you be interested.


P.S. JARED isn't my real name and I don't use my real picture because I don't have a chin.

Angenette said...

This is too good to be true. Or too sad to be real. Or something.

Armelle said...

Now, now, Jared Olen MIGHT (yope, screaming) be a real nice guy after all...

I'm starting to understand what you mean about being seriously fantastic but not dating the right guys.

Can't wait to hear about the catholic pond ;)

lizzo said...

Please, Natalie, keep this going.... for US.

Thank you.

Kit said...

This post is my favorite!!!