Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear God, I Tried

Whenever the General Relief Society* broadcast comes around I usually turn the other cheek and ignore it.  Of course I tend to ignore all activities where I'm at risk of hearing the sickly sweetness of millions of sisters softly singing "Sisters in Zion"*...because that song is auditory ipecac in my book.  Anyway, in an effort to get my life back on the straight and narrow I decided to give it a 1/2 ass effort this year and at least stream it online.

I was pretty proud of myself for the first five minutes.  Sure, I spent 30 seconds of that inappropriately debating whether the speaker was actually sporting a millennial version of the infamous asymmetrical Edward Scissorhands do...

Another 15 trying to decide where one can actually purchase a pink suit these days, and at least another minute or two convincing myself that I was doing the right thing.  Then I heard of my least favorite catch phrases, "a light unto..."*, in the half of a second that it took the speaker to complete her sentence, I'd already decided I couldn't handle any more and switched my attention to the professional bull riding competition on the TV.

Now, I like arthritis ridden helmet-clad cowboys as much as the next person, but it only held my attention for about 45 seconds...I mean, truth be known, if no one is getting gored it's kind of boring.  That's when I decided to see who else was either skipping the broadcast all together or multi-tasking like I hopped on over to LDS Linkup*.  Well lo-and-behold it was me and 69 other girls...bad girls...girls who pose like they're Marilyn Monroe and skip Relief Society.

Then the curiosity took over and I took a gander at they type of guys looking at they type of girls who pose like Marilyn Monroe and skip Relief Society and decided that I did not want the likes of
"loveslongshowers"  or "troytheshark" looking at my modest profile (and pictures) and thinking the I repented and went back to the broadcast...where they were singing "Carry On", which I totally took as a sign from above that this Carrie needed to focus...that lasted all of 50 seconds because as soon as the next speaker started her monotone voice triggered my ADHD into channel surfing, right into Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Now I don't know about you, but if it comes down to listening to a blue hair impart words of wisdom or watching an awkward sex scene on TV, the latter is probably going to win out.  So I indulged myself in the film until it ended with that wildly awesome vampire-puppet-rock-opera.

Then it was back to the broadcast...

...where I was greeted by President Monson*.  I love President Monson.  I love that he always talks about the 84 widows he took care of when he was bishop*, and how he spoke at all of their funerals.  The man is a spiritual giant*...which would explain his current calling*...anyway, he had my full attention...especially when he said "what do do we think when we look at others?"...oh crum...he had to ask didn't he...because in the previous 60 minutes I'd thought:
  1. that the General Relief Society president* looked like a sherbet colored victim of an unfortunate pair of scissors
  2. that 69 of my fellow sisters in Zion were total hookers
  3. that any guy who referred to himself as "loveslongshowers" was only looking for one thing
  4. that a monotone voice obviously wasn't as awesome as fornication
BAM!  Nothing like being called to repentance by the prophet* in your own living room (while eating pizza and chips you stole from your roommates side of the fridge).

Take away message*:  I am a sinner, not a sister....and I really don't want to live in Zion...basically, all is well in hell.

*see "Mormon Meanings" sidebar for definition


brits said...

I love you and your ADHD streaming and uncensored thoughts hard!

Angenette said...

All that, plus Sis Allred looks like my ma-in-law. I decided to take my potty break during her talk.

Amy said...

I didn't even attempt it so you're a step ahead of me.